Posts Tagged ‘self discovery’
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
Let me set the scene. I am a thirty-something female. Educated, employed, relatively attractive, slightly neurotic – and recovering from a chronic eating disorder.
To help me along this bumpy journey, I started to try and understand myself and my relationship to the world; to gain some insight into what had happened and why it had happened. The pen was my probe and my head, the subject. Or so I thought. Somewhere along the way, my psychological exercise stumbled into a sociological debate and took on a life of its own – particularly in relation to being a woman.
(more…)
Tags: Body Image, gender, self discovery, the philosophical bit
Posted in Being Human | No Comments »
Thursday, February 18th, 2010
….is a question that I have been asking myself rather a lot recently.
Now that I’ve realised that people are preferable to an eating disorder, I’m eager to make up for lost ground and appreciating just how much we’ve got to offer each other –
Only, it’s a little harder now that I’m nearing 30 and most people seem to be settled; and, I’ve hit a few unanticipated questions – like where do I go, and what do I say? – and some overlooked assumptions – like what do I have to offer? – that have put a few barriers in my way.
Making friends is far more complicated then I remember.
Given that the last time I tried to make friends, the other 30 people in the classroom shared my sentiments, this is, perhaps, unsurprising. However, after doing lots of things that I thought I couldn’t do, and as I’ve already come this far, there’s no points in shying away from a challenge – and this is what I’ve started to learn:
1. Being my own friend
(more…)
Tags: friends and family, getting out there, re-connecting, self discovery, things that help
Posted in Finding Melissa | 1 Comment »
Sunday, February 7th, 2010
After hiding behind an eating disorder for so long, explaining my absence from the world is proving slightly problematic.
There are gaps, where there shouldn’t be gaps; and, holes, left, right and centre. Questions that should be obvious, are unanswerable; and small talk raises some pretty major issues –
My favourite food? Not sure. I’ve just got to grips with eating, full stop, and normally describe things as safe – or unsafe.
(more…)
Tags: re-connecting, self discovery
Posted in Finding Melissa | 2 Comments »
Sunday, January 31st, 2010
After last year’s bathroom tile debacle, I thought I’d got to the bottom of my indecision; but choosing carpets would suggest that I haven’t got there quite yet.
After a week of yo yo-ing between ivory and almond, and learning the shift patterns of the various Carpet Right staff, I’m clearly still struggling; but, this time, I don’t think the problem is knowing what I want – it’s living with the consequence that’s holding me back.
My head doesn’t do mistakes and it’s certainly not into forgiving.
(more…)
Tags: self discovery, self esteem, self-acceptance, the human head
Posted in Lost | 3 Comments »
Thursday, January 28th, 2010
On those rare occasions when the barriers are down and it feels okay to move beyond what is normally said, then it suddenly emerges that we’re all just working with half versions of the truth; and, most of the time, we’re making up what goes in the gaps.
And, when we pause, unexpectedly, to find out whether what we’re thinking they’re thinking, is even close to what’s really going through their minds; and find ourselves, so often, on entirely different pages, then it’s immediately clear that we’re all just trying to make sense of a fragmented assortment of feelings and experiences and thoughts, reflected and refracted in a thousand different ways –
(more…)
Tags: self discovery, talking, the human head, the philosophical bit
Posted in Being Human | No Comments »
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
For some time now, I have become a little anxious about the frequency with which the word “but” is creeping into my vocabulary.
“Should” has always been bit of a problem for me, but I’d kind of prided myself on my ability to problem solve and think creatively and take the initiative …
The realisation that I automatically see objections – rather than possibilities – is a little sore.
(more…)
Tags: causes, self discovery, self-acceptance, the human head, the philosophical bit
Posted in Finding Melissa, Lost | No Comments »
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
I have been going round and round in circles for the past month; and, regardless of the starting point, I still seem to end up with the same, unanswerable question –
Where do I fit in?
I am beginning to find the constant side-tracking a little frustrating now. It is rather tiring to keep reaching the concluding paragraph, only to find myself again writing the same four little words. Again.
So, I am changing tact, and moving the ending – to the opening – because throwing ideas around has always helped me to reach my epiphanies; and, hey, I’m going to find myself asking the same question anyway, so I might as well get straight to the point –
And then go back to the beginnings.
(more…)
Tags: self discovery, self esteem, the human head
Posted in Being Human | 2 Comments »
Friday, January 8th, 2010
Since putting on weight, I seem to have separated me, from my body. It sits, over there; whilst I stay, over here; and, never the twain shall meet.
We weren’t this disconnected when I was hideously underweight. We may not have been friends but we were, at least, on speaking terms. Now we don’t acknowledge each other.
(more…)
Tags: Body Image, self discovery, self esteem, weight
Posted in Getting Better | 2 Comments »
Friday, January 1st, 2010
After going to hell – and back, a strange thing seems to have happened; and, like a lens that has been unexpectedly clicked into focus, things suddenly look a lot brighter.
You don’t take anything for granted when you have come so close to losing it all.
As the shadows shift and the clouds begin to drift away, even the ordinary seems tinged with gold; and the mundane, something to be treasured.
They said that this would happen when I got better. That it would be like soaring above a shiny new world; like the clearing of the clouds. They predicted that, one day, things would be different, and I’d look back and wonder how I could have turned my back on life so completely –
(more…)
Tags: recovery, self discovery
Posted in Finding Melissa | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
I have got my ages out of sync.
In this stopping – and starting – of life, I seem to have mixed up the pivotal phases and got all confused. I didn’t realise that we operated on so many planes: part of me has stalled in 1993 whilst other bits have zoomed off ahead, and we’re not yet on the same page.
I had assumed that time was a constant. I’m not so sure anymore.
The drawn out eating disordered days were disguising the passing of months and years and life events that I have missed out on – irretrievably – because there are certain stages, for certain things; and it’s harder when you’re going against the flow –
(more…)
Tags: Growing Up, self discovery
Posted in Finding Melissa, Lost | No Comments »
Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
I am having to undertake a little social re-positioning now that I am emerging as a person – and not an illness.
The parameters have shifted somewhat; and, there has been a little lag in the transition – which is only to be expected after 17 years of living within the clearly defined cage of an eating disorder.
So, I am having to re-navigate relationships and re-set the expectations. I am learning to show that the things that weren’t possible before are now okay; that the concerns that were so palpable are no longer overwhelming; and, that the hope that was previously cloaked behind self protection and past disappointment, can finally be enjoyed –
After a lot of pain, the best way to do this is by example.
(more…)
Tags: friends and family, people power, re-connecting, self discovery
Posted in Finding Melissa | No Comments »
Monday, October 26th, 2009
Today, I was discharged from mental health services.
It is a little scary. They have been looking after me for rather a long time.
This is the first time we’ve done it properly. No fizzling out or abrupt terminations or running from the radar. We have, instead, reached a nice ending and said goodbye as people.
I will be looking after myself from this point on -
Which is a little scary (after being looked after for so long) and feels a little vulnerable (although it’s cause for celebration) and has been a tad unsettling (even though I’ve been on track for a while now) –
- and strangely quiet because I am on my own again –
(more…)
Tags: letting Go, recovery, self discovery
Posted in Finding Melissa | No Comments »
Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
I stopped believing in an afterlife around the time I realised I was far more likely to end up in hell – than in heaven.
We’ve got an eye on death from the moment we start developing a consciousness.
It’s bound up in how we behave, and what we believe and how we live our lives –
There’s no escaping the subject – it’s just how we approach it that determines where the emphasis is.
Thinking about death can either ruin your life – or make it- and, after an evening contemplating the subject with Mark Vernon at the School of Life(!), I’ve decided that I’m going for the latter
(more…)
Tags: death, self discovery, the human head
Posted in Finding Melissa | No Comments »
Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
I seem to have stopped being invisible now that I’ve put on a little weight.
People are no longer looking through me or averting their eyes.
I didn’t realise that they were doing this until I had a comparison – but now that there’s a little more skin on my bones, the reaction is a whole lot more positive…
I actually feel quite good.
(more…)
Tags: getting back in touch, re-connecting, recovery, self discovery, weight
Posted in Getting Better | No Comments »
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
I am currently in the self management phase: I am managing myself, by my self.
It’s a good place to be, although it sounds quite serious.
It means that I am keeping a vigilant eye out for potential pitfalls and I am avoiding any routes that will end up leading backwards. That I am being a little cautious with myself and am on the alert while I make sure that I’ve regained my balance –
I don’t know whether an eating disorder ever disappears totally – but I’m making damn sure that it doesn’t come back.
(more…)
Tags: recovery, relapse, self discovery
Posted in Finding Melissa | No Comments »
Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
An eating disorder is not very funny. I kind of lost my sense of humour for a while; I sort of forgot how to laugh.
It’s not surprising really – it likes to assume control and dominate the head space – but now that I’ve reclaimed the territory a little, laughter therapy’s just what I need.
I started small and simple. Things that brought a smile to my face, or provoked a slight titter. It felt a little alien, I was a tad self conscious – but then anything that you haven’t done for years feels slightly strange.
(more…)
Tags: self discovery, some of the things I did
Posted in Finding Melissa | No Comments »
Saturday, August 1st, 2009
Every now and then, my indecision gets the better of me. It drives me round and round in circles…that are all identically the same.
Today’s focus? Bathroom tiles – and which Thai restaurant to go to tonight.
We are overwhelmed with choice.
Making the right one has never been harder –and it all depends on which version of ‘right’ you’re hoping to hit.
(more…)
Tags: self discovery
Posted in Finding Melissa | No Comments »
