Posts Tagged ‘self destruction’

Giving myself a chance

Sunday, December 19th, 2010

There are two sides to this post.

I considered splitting it down the middle – a post for each – because the one seemed so disparate from the other – but they seem to go hand in hand.

It has been that kind of month. Half shot through with a dizzying energy and an indescribable sense of awe; half like a nightmare that I didn’t ever expect to find myself in.

I have struggled to reconcile the differences. To have these sudden moments when I step out of myself and realise that, shit, I actually feel hug-the-world happy; and then a few days later, wake up with aching post binge limbs and the sense that I’m sinking.

Opposites?

Or not.

There is a tug of war in the middle. A part of me that doesn’t trust I deserve this kind of happiness and therefore pushes me towards self destruct. That expects rejection and acts out the expectation until it eventually takes place…

Still.

This is the relationship between the two sides. How they co-exist despite the seeming contradiction. I have been playing out old patterns, without even realising it, and in the process, got myself stuck.

And so, I can keep the circle going, which is what the eating disorder is trying it’s damndest to achieve; or, I can step out of the loop and ask myself whether I really want to keep going round and round and round –

Or if I’m prepared to give myself a chance

Sabotaging My Self

Saturday, April 3rd, 2010

You know the alarm that kicks in when you’re about to do something stupid? The little sensor that is tripped when you step into a danger zone and are about to do something you’ll probably regret.

Mine is defunct.

The self destruct button is jammed down, by default, and I seem to have been programmed in reverse. Instead of stopping before I step over the line, I ramp up the speed on the descent and it takes someone else to step in and say

Stop.
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Self talking – instead of self harming

Monday, December 7th, 2009

I had a sudden urge to cut my wrists on the way to work this morning.

It caught me, unawares, when I thought that things were on the straight and even, and I was better now thank you very much.

No trigger.

No warning.

Just a sudden, violent, surge of desperation that over-powered me –

Nearly.
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The Seduction of Self Destruction

Friday, June 19th, 2009

Something was going on at the end of the last century. There seemed to be a certain mood, a downward trend. When I first wrote about it, the title ‘Heroin Chic’ sprung to mind: self destruction was in vogue.

As a more mature adult, the line between normal teenage angst and a social mood doesn’t seem so clear. But I’ll follow my thinking a little because it helped things make sense.

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The Dark Side

Monday, June 15th, 2009

My head is tuned in to minor thirds. It resonates with clashing chords. It connects, on some fundamental and physical level, with melancholy despair, with violent lyrics.

There’s a certain type of song that sounds like my eating disorder feels; that mirrors the despair and the desperation of my anorexia; taps into the violence and anger of my bulimia; and provokes an almost physical reaction – a stunned recognition – followed by an overpowering sense of sadness and pain.

I had an epiphany on the way to work one morning. Somewhere between St Albans and Hatfield, when Amy Winehouse had reduced me to tears, I realised what my response was all about.

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Self Harm

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

It’s hard to know where to start with this one.

It’s not something I’m very comfortable talking about.

- even though it’s on the rise, and even though it’s blazened across the tabloid on a regular basis.

Maybe it’s the apparent casualness of it all that’s so unsettling. Maybe it feels like we’ve got complacent about teenagers shredding their arms: self mutilation is commonplace.

No. It’s not.
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