I haven’t written much this week because I’ve been incredibly tired. My body doesn’t quite feel like my body at the moment; and, whilst I’m delighted that it’s clearly recovering, the whole hormonal re-start has caught me left wing. It has been a little scary, to be honest, which sounds pathetic now that I’m 30, rather than 13.
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Posts Tagged ‘recovery’
Girl Stuff. Again. (Last time).
Friday, August 6th, 2010Girl Stuff
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010I developed anorexia before I really went through puberty. On the edge of womanhood, I sunk just before the major changes kicked in. This meant that, aside from a brief spell post my first inpatient treatment and a few months when things seemed to be on the up, I haven’t had periods. My last one was in 1996 or 97. As regular readers of my blog will know, I’ve been quite upset about this (here and here).
I’ve been at a normal BMI for nearly a year now; and, as I’ve watched my peers begin families and enter the next stage of their life, I’ve been left wondering whether I really have closed some doors that might have been open and if I will ever be able to repair the damage that I might have done.
There doesn’t seem a huge amount of research in this area. It has been hard to find any answers.
This isn’t the kind of thing I’d normally announce online, but my periods came back yesterday. I don’t know much about the medical stuff, but I think that this means I will be okay. I guess it proves that there’s always hope. It would, at least, explain why I have been such so hormonal and stressy over the past few days. ..
I don’t know what this means for my fertility. My GP has always been wildly optimistic, so maybe it’s time I started trusting his “the body will repair itself” mentality. That is, however, all some time off, so I’m just going to focus on the fact that I appear, finally, to be on my way.
Trusting the process
Tuesday, July 6th, 2010A while ago, I wrote a post called Clinging on to the Past. It was a difficult post to write as I had to acknowledge that I might be holding onto my eating disorder; and also, because I couldn’t see how the situation would be resolved.
At the time, a comment was left suggesting that I would know when the time was right to move on. It was a comment that touched me deeply, and has stayed, therefore, alive in my head. I couldn’t see how the miraculous transformation would materialise – but the hope made me feel warm and that was almost enough.
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Without Which I Would Not Be Me
Friday, June 11th, 2010I have been re-writing my CV recently. It is clean, sparse, and formulaic. I have done a lot, in a relatively short space of time, but the lot feels overshadowed by the glaring delay. Plus, my biggest achievement remains unsaid.
I’m not too sure how well my background would go down. Whether it would be considered a liability or, as I’m beginning to view it, a difficult journey, without which I would not be who I am.
Without which I would not be me.
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Flashbacks
Thursday, June 10th, 2010Sometimes I will do something little – like flip the lid off a glass bottle – and the ‘pop’ will send me catapulting back, again; to nights standing in the kitchen, screaming with frustration, because I’m desperate desperate desperate to binge.
And sometimes, when I have to go back to the places that it has dominated – like stations, and supermarkets, and hospital waiting rooms – then a smell or a sound can leave me winded, because it carries, still, the panic and chaos and ice cold despair.
Sometimes, an innocent action – like a friend adding an extra splash of oil – will trip the switch into the old ways of thinking; and my stomach will twist and my head close in and I won’t be able to what am I going to do don’t make me
Breathe.
And then again.
It is as impossible to run away from the flashes of memory as it is to run away from ourselves.
We can only notice them, from the safety of distance, and thank God that things are no longer the same.
From Talking to Walking…
Sunday, May 30th, 2010Things feel a hundred times better now that I have finally started moving. The anticipation is always far worse than the action – and yet each time, I seem to forget.
Change often happens this way for me. The fear paralyses. Then comes the frustration. And, finally, the elastic-band-snap of emancipation and whoosh, I’m free –
Come what will.
I went through the same process in my recovery. The same wheel-spinning-yet-not-going-anywhere, until it felt like a miracle that I didn’t implode. All talk, I seemed – and no action. All words – and nothing behind them but fear.
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Self Talking
Saturday, May 29th, 2010Thanks to some intensive therapy, I am now queen of self-talk; and, whilst I don’t always feel like “being positive” or “having an internal conversation”, an article last week got me thinking about just how valuable this is.
To emphasise the point, the ‘fact’ on my shampoo bottles (shampoo: “who is the person you talk to most?” / conditioner: “yourself”) have concurred to make the message heard. This is clearly a subject that I am meant to be writing about –
Self-talking is something I now do on a regular basis. It kicks in, the moment my head kicks off – and seems to work through a few key themes:
Recognition
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Eating Disorders: The Bottom Line
Tuesday, May 25th, 2010I have been intellectualising and analysing my eating disorder a lot recently. Scrutinising it under my mental magnifying lens. Looking at it from this angle – and that one. Trying to order the complexity into some semblance of sense.
I have wanted to unpick each sordid secret and expose every unspoken rule. To break down the perceptions. To write myself into recovery. To say the things I shouldn’t say because maybe, together, we can help to make things change…
It is important, I think, to talk about these things.
But it is even more important to remember that eating disorders kill.
It is even more important to remember that eating disorders kill.
I am worried that I have diluted this message. That in the to-ing and fro-ing, I have blurred over this one, crucial point. That in the detail, and the dissection, I have forgotten to re-iterate the terrifying bottom line –
Eating disorders kill.
So, this is a reality check and a reminder. An acknowledgement of the cruel truth about eating disorders – but also, that recovery is possible and that there are people out there who can help.
There are people out there that can help.
It is a message that makes my eyes watery and my stomach, clench –
But it comes, along with the experience and hope of recovery, as the most important thing that I can write.
What Helps?
Sunday, May 16th, 2010On Monday, I did a question and answer session with a load of health care professionals based in the East of England. There were (I think) a good mixture of nurses, GPs, psychologists, CAMHS, crisis teams, treatment centre managers…That kind of thing.
Because the week was rapidly sucked into a whirlpool and I have spent most of it trying to catch up with myself, I have only just started to process what we said; and, interestingly – although probably unsurprisingly – the question that arose in each of the groups I talked with was: “what are the things that really helped?”
I have talked, extensively, about what doesn’t help.
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A Few of the Lies My Eating Disorder Liked Me To Believe
Thursday, April 29th, 2010My eating disorder was a consummate liar. It had a few lines that always kept me stuck. I tried, (when I was feeling brave enough), to argue the point; but there was always an element of “what if I’m wrong” that made me play along.
It is hard to challenge something when you’re cowering under its threats. These ones stick out.
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Who’d Have Thought?
Friday, April 23rd, 2010Who’d have thought, a few years ago, that I’d be doing the things that I’m doing now.
It is important, every now and then, to stop and reflect on the progress, even if the process remains hard.
We forget, sometimes, just how far we’ve come, because we’re worrying so much about how far’s left to go.
It is limitless.
So, I’m taking a pit stop and coming up for air –
Because, who’d have thought, a few years ago, when it felt like I was “all talk”, that I’d be sitting here writing stuff down for people to read? And who’d have guessed, if they saw me frantically dashing between food shops, swollen cheeked and skeletal handed, that it was the same person calmly sitting here today.
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Dealing With Things That Don’t Help
Friday, April 23rd, 2010Yesterday I wrote about things that don’t help.
It was one of the hardest posts that I have written. It sent me straight back to some places that I have forced myself not to dwell on; and reminded me of how hard it is to have a voice. Particularly when you’re up against a system and not feeling that great about your own state of mind.
Today, I have been attempting – and failing – to advise other people how to handle these feelings.
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Things That Don’t Help
Wednesday, April 21st, 2010I have always been against lists saying what you should – or shouldn’t – say to someone with an eating disorder. Mine was manipulative enough, without trying to control what other people said.
I have been careful, as I’ve moved through my recovery, to ensure that I take responsibility for my behaviour (whilst appreciating that it was an illness); and that blame is left behind (because it doesn’t do anyone that much good).
Today I was reminded, in an email, of how harmful it can be when your treatment team say the wrong thing.
This confuses my line.
I can understand it when ‘normal people’ muddle along and put their foot in it; but people that are meant to be trained? I thought that the few negative experiences I’d had were unusual, or because eating disorders were newer, at the time, and professionals still had a lot to learn.
Like…
1. Weight gain can be hard to handle, even though it seems (to an outsider) to be a positive thing
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The Killer Dress
Monday, April 5th, 2010For my 30th Birthday, I brought a killer dress.
I know that taste is subjective; but there’s no other way to describe it. This dress totally rocks.
It might not be bang on trend as I couldn’t tell you what’s strutting along the catwalk and have never quite got into Vogue; but, it makes me feel a million dollars, and has reminded me of something that gets lost behind the catwalk debate and the size zero phenomenon –
In my recovery, fashion and fabrics were an unexpected friend; even when I wasn’t that comfortable in my own skin.
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Recovery In Context
Friday, March 26th, 2010A couple of weeks ago, I had a spot of writers block.
In one of the few weeks that I had lots of time to write, nothing was coming out.
This was incredibly frustrating. Every evening after work, I’d turn on the computer; lock my front door; give my head permission to run wild – and come up with nothing. And, the longer I came up with nothing, the harder it became to access what I was thinking and to imagine ever having anything to write.
It took me a week of staring at a blank screen to realise why I kept coming up with nothing. In the pursuit of thinking about something to write, I had pressed pause on the thing that normally gets me going –
Life.
In this instance, removing the context definitely didn’t help.
I approached recovery in a similar way; and, unfortunately, it took a bit longer for the penny to drop.
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The In-Betweener
Thursday, March 25th, 2010My sister has just informed me that the little package I didn’t recognise at the bottom of her bag is a tampon. Things must have changed a bit since 1996, which is the last date that I remember having a period; or maybe I’ve just forgotten. I’m not even sure that we made it to first name terms.
It is embarrassing, at 30, to be informed of what a tampon looks like; and I am beginning to get a bit concerned now, that even though I’m weighing in near normal, they have not made a reappearance. It feels like a kick in the teeth. After I have done so much hard work and changed myself, beyond all recognition, my body still won’t play ball.
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Spring
Friday, March 19th, 2010I know that England’s got into the habit of snowing in March and there is still a chill in the air, but it is starting to feel like spring.
Winter always seems to last an eternity; but, as the days grow longer and the warmth slowly creeps back in, something starts to lift and it all begins to seem a bit brighter.
It has reminded me, this unthawing, of a bus journey that I took, several years ago. It was September, so it must have been nearing Autumn; but, because it felt like an awakening, or the dewy freshness of a new beginning, the memory has become intrinsically associated with spring.
Life is full of these stops – and starts – I think. Wintery deaths and then the ridiculously unexpected arrival of spring.
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The Yes Once Rule
Friday, March 12th, 2010I have just said yes to something that I would normally say no to.
You have to do this rather a lot in recovery; otherwise things just stay the same.
You have to start saying “yes”, even if your head is saying “no”; because you don’t find out what you’re capable of unless you take a little risk and give something new a go.
It has taken me a while to realise this. In the absence of a Jim Carey film which manages to make the point in about 90 minutes, I didn’t automatically see the connection between my constricting life and the frequency with which I said no…
I just started feeling a little trapped.
Given that my eating disorder had a zillion rules and assumed the majority of my time, this was probably unsurprising, only –
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Small Steps
Monday, March 8th, 2010I noticed, this morning, as my sleepy eyes slowly sharpened on the drizzling rain, that I hadn’t checked the forecast for a while.
This is progress.
The need to know – or control – or anticipate the future seems to have loosened; and, instead of checking in to BBC weather at hourly intervals, I have obviously found more interesting things to do, or just realised that I can manage, come rain or shine.
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Making a Difference
Thursday, February 25th, 2010The 22nd-28th of February is Eating Disorder Awareness week.
This is an important focus for anyone who’s been directly – or indirectly – touched by an eating disorder; and, for those who spend the remainder of the year campaigning, tirelessly, to change the misconceptions and put a few constraints on the terrifying spread.
There have been, therefore, some stories on the news; and some articles in magazines; and a scurry of activity, online, amongst the organisations and individuals out there who want to make a difference.
There are conferences going on; and new campaigns being started; and I have selected my five favourite recovery posts to highlight that it is possible –
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Uncurable
Friday, February 19th, 2010“Do you actually want to get better?” was the question she asked me, when I had been caught, yet again, “bucking the system”. “And did I know”, she continued, “that the prognosis wasn’t good, for people like me?”
Well, no, actually, at fourteen I hadn’t stumbled over those particular statistics; and, no, since you’ve asked, I didn’t want to get better, if 5000 Kcal diet; pure terror; and you getting your way, were part of the plan.
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The to-Temazepam or not-to-Temazepam Debate
Friday, January 29th, 2010I have been prescribed some Temazepam, to help me sleep.
It sits, alongside all the other well-intended treatment, in my kitchen cupboard, whilst I toss, and turn, and wait for the panic to wear itself out–
I have never been very good with medication.
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My Guardian Angel and the First Binge-Free Month
Sunday, January 17th, 2010If they ever develop a way to clone humans, I’ll be recommending my brother. I’m not sure I would have got through my first binge-free night without him, and I’m certain I wouldn’t have made it through my first binge-free month.
Whilst he probably doesn’t want to repeat the experience and I don’t think he’s available on loan, I’ve been trying to identify what really made the difference – because, whether he admits it or not, he helped me turn my life around.
So, in the absence of cloning and a sibling loan provision, I’ve tried to break-down my brother and pinpoint the things that helped; because, there might be some other guardian angels flying around out there, or you might have wings yourself….
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Clouds Clearing
Friday, January 1st, 2010After going to hell – and back, a strange thing seems to have happened; and, like a lens that has been unexpectedly clicked into focus, things suddenly look a lot brighter.
You don’t take anything for granted when you have come so close to losing it all.
As the shadows shift and the clouds begin to drift away, even the ordinary seems tinged with gold; and the mundane, something to be treasured.
They said that this would happen when I got better. That it would be like soaring above a shiny new world; like the clearing of the clouds. They predicted that, one day, things would be different, and I’d look back and wonder how I could have turned my back on life so completely –
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A Little Hope –
Thursday, December 17th, 2009When I was walking back through Kings Cross station with the world on my shoulders and my eyes on the floor, I suddenly remembered a good idea that I’d almost forgotten; and, all at once, the weight was lifted and the bounce in my step returned –
There is nothing more important than a little hope.
It is that small glimmer of possibility, that makes the unbearable, bearable; and, changes the frustration of ‘can’t’ to ‘might’.
Without possibility, there is no hope; and, without hope – well, what’s the point?
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Saturday Nights
Saturday, December 5th, 2009Now that I’ve made some space for a life, I am enjoying the Saturday night experience.
After the loneliness of an eating disorder, you don’t take anything for granted: a night in with friends may be commonplace – but after years of me and my food, even the mundane is strangely precious; even the smallest of pleasures is noted as an achievement –
Because Saturday nights still feel like a novelty – and friends are proving far better company than food.
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Filled Pasta (and life after an eating disorder)
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009Weight Gains
Tuesday, October 6th, 2009I seem to have stopped being invisible now that I’ve put on a little weight.
People are no longer looking through me or averting their eyes.
I didn’t realise that they were doing this until I had a comparison – but now that there’s a little more skin on my bones, the reaction is a whole lot more positive…
I actually feel quite good.
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Feeling the Fear – and Getting Better
Wednesday, August 5th, 2009Sometimes, getting better is far scarier than staying ill.
Sometimes, the apprehension and the expectation and the uncertainty can stop you from changing your life. We’re far more comfortable with what we know –
It will be okay.
It might feel scary, but you’ll be okay.
There are no certainties – but it will not be as bad as you expect.
It just takes a little courage and a few deep breaths; and, when you’ve got through the first challenges, you’ll be looking back and wondering what took you so long –
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A Reason to Recover
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009Getting better is not always the easiest option – so you’ve got to have a reason to break through the pain barrier. A little personal pep talk to keep you going when the going gets tough.
I’d love to write the script, to provide a nice neat comprehensive list of reasons that will keep you on the straight and narrow -
- but my reasons belongs to me and your reasons have to belong to you.
My personal pep talk will never sound like your personal pep talk – because, the key to getting through recovery is working out what makes the difference for you. It’s identifying that elusive – and all important – touchstone that gives recovery a context for you.
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The Plank and Sun Bathing Bunnies
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009I am learning how to exercise – in moderation.
I am exploring whether it’s down to genes – or open to all.
Whether it is possible to enjoy the experience – without feeling obliged.
The gym is therefore out, although I’ve given it a shot. As is anything that results in injury; involves excessive dirt or does not consider the unstable state of the UK’s climate.
After veering from one extreme to the other, I’m now playing it safe and taking it slow; and, I’m learning from the experience.
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Taking Responsibility
Friday, June 19th, 2009I thought that I’d have to be absolutely certain that I wanted to get better before I could make the leap.
I waited, and waited … and waited, to reach a head space where all the big changes felt better; where recovery felt easy and exciting and a little less daunting.
It didn’t happen.
I thought that someone or something could make it easier. That this EDU or that psychiatrist or that day and this outfit would change everything, it was just a case of finding the right someone something….
No.
Because only I had the answer.
And the realisation hit me like a sledge-hammer.
First Steps
Thursday, June 18th, 2009People often say that acknowledgement is the first step to recovery. It means you’re half way there.
I beg to disagree.
Admitting that you’ve got an eating disorder is a step on the way to recovery. Admitting that you’re ill is a turning point. And there’s a difference.
I owned up to my eating disorder pretty early on. I didn’t get the illness bit quite so quickly. For a while, the eating disorder was a big character flaw; then, a badge of pride; for many years, my identity – but rarely an illness.
You don’t catch an eating disorder like you catch the flu. There’s an element of choice, however subconscious, that complicates everything. That makes it harder to consider an eating disorder as an illness – and not a lifestyle choice or a fad or a prolonged and painful suicide.
You could argue any of the latter quite easily – but they’re irrelevant. If you want to get better, you’ve got to realise that you’re ill.
You’ve got to move beyond the blame and the embarrassment and the guilt – and realise that, when you’re ill, you need to get better.
Keeping Busy
Sunday, June 7th, 2009The transition between illness and recovery can be a little uncomfortable.
There’s a particularly awkward stage when your head is still on auto-repeat – but you’re trying to ignore the programme.
Where you’re so consumed by the process that you don’t have the headspace – or the inclination – to do any of the things that you’re looking forward to doing a little further down the line.
Where the agenda is simple: get through the day.
It doesn’t last – although it can feel like a lifetime – but it helps when you can escape into other things for a little while.
Welcome to the wonderful world of ‘distractions’ – the things you do to keep yourself busy when you’re thinking about things that you shouldn’t be thinking about.
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Letting go – weight
Thursday, June 4th, 2009I had been hoping for the white dove letting go elation. The release of a balloon. A ceremonial burning.
I was expecting the worst. A painful wrenching. A terrifying step in the dark.
It has been like a tick that I have been trying to shrug off.
A recurring theme.
It has been a whole mishmash of emotions. A turbulent and unpredictable journey. A snail’s pace edging towards recovery.
Weight.
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