I have a desktop of half-finished blog posts. They are driving me insane. I am not sure that they will ever be completed because at the moment I seem to be in a state of constant change. Things are moving so quickly that each post is elbowed aside mid-flow, and I rarely reach a clear conclusion before the next thing comes along. It is quite disorientating.
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Posts Tagged ‘re-connecting’
Letting go of the edge
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010Available to Life
Thursday, August 12th, 2010I bumped into a friend on Clapham High Street last night. Mid flat-hunting panic, when it felt like the city might swallow me and I was feeling scarily alone, she walked past and invited me to come along for dinner.
I hesitated (because I had planned my supper already) and scrabbled around for an excuse (because they were going for pizza, and I haven’t faced that challenge yet); and then realised that it was more important – given the loneliness – that I was fully available to life.
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Two Days
Thursday, July 29th, 2010I wobbled last weekend. Amidst all the pride at reaching my second year anniversary and after the giddiness of a jam-packed-life-changing week, I had a sudden panic, standing on the beach at Brighton, that the gap between the world and I is still too chasmic to bridge….
It is not the food that has turned out to be the hardest part of my recovery – it’s discovering how far I have removed myself from life.
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The Capacity for Compassion
Tuesday, May 18th, 2010Since starting Finding Melissa and beginning, finally, to join in, I have discovered a capacity that I never thought that I had. It is warm, and gooey, and the fuzzy-haired end of soft; and I think it is called compassion. It is like an unexpected ray of sunshine and the first kiss of warm air after you’ve been shivering, without an umbrella, in the rain.
I had always considered myself to be a rather brittle and cold person.
I am not, by nature, particularly tolerant and tend to lose patience pretty damn quick. I can rarely be bothered with explaining; am only just learning to listen; and, had become accustomed to life as them – and me. Compassion is not a quality I have associated myself with, nor something I thought I’d ever get –
It turns out I might have been wrong.
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Caring, Connecting and Parliamentary Reform
Sunday, May 9th, 2010Yesterday, I went on a rally for Parliamentary Reform. On a grey and drizzly afternoon, we joined a group of people in Trafalgar Square who were pushing to change the system, in the hope of ensuring that all voices could be heard.
This is something that matters a lot to me.
Spurred into action by an indignant anger – and propelled through my discomfort of changing the day’s agenda by a sense that I should put my feet where my mouth was, I am still tingling from the excitement – and have learnt as much about myself as I have about Parliamentary Reform.
This is what I mean about recovery taking place in context.
This is why it’s important for me, every now and again, to take a deep breath and say, “yes, I’ll come, I’d like to do that” – even if it means that my lunch will have to shift back a time-slot, or I do something that I wouldn’t normally do –
Because I am richer for the experience, I think; and I have learnt some things about myself – and other people – that I didn’t previously know.
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Friends
Saturday, May 1st, 2010Because it’s a bank holiday weekend and I have been struggling a little, lately; I am going to stay with one of those rare friends who can miraculously reel you back in – when your head is starting to drift – and help you put down the baggage for a while.
I am lucky to have a few of these precious friendships. They are like gold dust. The people that ground us when it feels like we’re being swept away; and offer a refuge when it all gets too much.
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OMG I Feel That Too
Wednesday, April 21st, 2010Recently, I started following an account on twitter called ‘OMG I do this too’. A couple of times a day, I therefore receive a tweet which reads something like: “Do you ever get a really good idea, but when you explain it to someone, it sounds terrible so you don’t end up doing it?” or “Do you feel cell phone vibrations, even when you don’t have your phone with you?”*
Most of these tweets bring a huge smile to my face. “YES!” I want to shout: “I do do that too”; and “YES! That is exactly like me”… and I’m not the only one?
In that 140 characters of connection, there is an instant click to other people and the warm reassurance that I am not on my own.
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The Hug
Sunday, April 18th, 2010I was walking back through the park and there were a couple, hugging, on the path in front of me.
His head was bowed on her shoulder; her hands were clasping his back, so tightly that I could sense the strength; and I wanted, as I side-stepped around them, to scream.
This is what the eating disorder stole from me.
That kind of hug – and that kind of union – is what it stopped me from enjoying; and has put so far away that the distance feels too vast to bridge.
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Outcast
Wednesday, April 7th, 2010I am ashamed of my isolation.
It is like a stamp of failure.
I can understand, when I’m in a logical frame of mind, that the circumstances have not been conducive to a bustling buzzing social life, and that maybe I need to give myself a break –
But it’s hard not to take it personally –
And it hurts that the problem might well be me.
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Institutionalised
Thursday, April 1st, 2010I am just beginning to realise how institutionalised I had become. I am finding the ‘normal’ world a scary place. It speaks a language that I don’t really understand. I am comfortable in terms of CPAs and meal plans; supervision, bloods and BMIs. I know where I am with meds, and ward rounds, and care co-ordinators, and agency staff at the weekend –
It’s the stuff that everyone else talks about that I find harder to get the hang of.
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The Frontiers
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010Blogging has been a step out of my comfort zone for me. Not all the time, I hasten to add; but sometimes, when I’ve hit on something critical, or written a piece that’s a bit more open to contention, I can feel myself pushing a little – and then waiting for the backlash. It is something like putting your finger near an electric fence and seeing how close you get before the shock burns.
I was describing this to a friend last week, when she was trying to help me make sense of how I move forwards now, and she had a slightly different take on the experience. For her, the shock was electrifying, not an electrocution. It was about energy and finding my frontiers and sparky positive things.
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The Little Things
Friday, March 5th, 2010The guy next door offered to walk me home.
I forget sometimes, that it really doesn’t take a lot.
One kind word or a gentle gesture, and suddenly, the bridge between me and the rest of the world seems infinitely smaller.
It is important, every now and then, to remember this.
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How to make friends…
Thursday, February 18th, 2010….is a question that I have been asking myself rather a lot recently.
Now that I’ve realised that people are preferable to an eating disorder, I’m eager to make up for lost ground and appreciating just how much we’ve got to offer each other –
Only, it’s a little harder now that I’m nearing 30 and most people seem to be settled; and, I’ve hit a few unanticipated questions – like where do I go, and what do I say? – and some overlooked assumptions – like what do I have to offer? – that have put a few barriers in my way.
Making friends is far more complicated then I remember.
Given that the last time I tried to make friends, the other 30 people in the classroom shared my sentiments, this is, perhaps, unsurprising. However, after doing lots of things that I thought I couldn’t do, and as I’ve already come this far, there’s no points in shying away from a challenge – and this is what I’ve started to learn:
1. Being my own friend
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Filling in the Blanks
Sunday, February 7th, 2010After hiding behind an eating disorder for so long, explaining my absence from the world is proving slightly problematic.
There are gaps, where there shouldn’t be gaps; and, holes, left, right and centre. Questions that should be obvious, are unanswerable; and small talk raises some pretty major issues –
My favourite food? Not sure. I’ve just got to grips with eating, full stop, and normally describe things as safe – or unsafe.
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A Terrible Mistake
Wednesday, January 20th, 2010I have made a terrible mistake.
I chose an eating disorder, over my friends.
It hurts like hell and I didn’t realise what I was doing until I woke up, one day, and understood what I had thrown away –
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A little social re-positionning
Thursday, December 3rd, 2009I am having to undertake a little social re-positioning now that I am emerging as a person – and not an illness.
The parameters have shifted somewhat; and, there has been a little lag in the transition – which is only to be expected after 17 years of living within the clearly defined cage of an eating disorder.
So, I am having to re-navigate relationships and re-set the expectations. I am learning to show that the things that weren’t possible before are now okay; that the concerns that were so palpable are no longer overwhelming; and, that the hope that was previously cloaked behind self protection and past disappointment, can finally be enjoyed –
After a lot of pain, the best way to do this is by example.
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Weight Gains
Tuesday, October 6th, 2009I seem to have stopped being invisible now that I’ve put on a little weight.
People are no longer looking through me or averting their eyes.
I didn’t realise that they were doing this until I had a comparison – but now that there’s a little more skin on my bones, the reaction is a whole lot more positive…
I actually feel quite good.
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The Risk of Relationships –
Friday, October 2nd, 2009I had forgotten that there was an element of risk involved in any relationship.
Writing a blog has heightened the experience.
Start an interaction and you’ve got to be able to handle the response –
An eating disorder protects you, to some extent. It’s a risk reduction when the social interactions decrease; a comfort when they go wrong.
The real world does not operate on these terms and self protection comes at a cost. You do, quite possibly, lose far more than you gain –
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Building Bridges
Monday, August 3rd, 2009As twee as it sounds, there’s lots of bridges to be built when you’re getting better.
Recovery may be a personal thing but humans are inherently social. It’s the connections and the interactions and the relationships that provide the context – and make the real difference.
Having created quite an impressive gulf between me – and the rest of the world – this bit’s about some of the things that I’ve been doing to start, tentatively, re-making those connections:
Working Nine to Five
Saturday, August 1st, 2009Who’d have thought that stuffing envelopes could be an aid for recovery? I wouldn’t recommend it as a lifetime career; but, as a stepping stone to the real world, the value far exceeded the income.
At first, it just gave my head a break from tying itself in anorexic knots.
Then, it gave me a reason to eat.
Eventually, it gave me the motivation to get better – and, a context to get better within.
All the way along, it helped me build up a little faith in myself.
Unspeakable to spoken
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009There are strict rules of etiquette around what you do and what you don’t talk about; socially acceptable themes of conversation – and those that should be kept behind closed doors or under a stiff upper lip.
We’re scared of giving too much away, of putting ourselves in the firing line of judgement or criticism or idle chitchat – self-editing’s an easy habit to slip in to.
Most people aren’t that bad. Most people appreciate a little honesty. Most people are willing to listen –
- if you’re able to talk.
A Sympathy with Sounds
Friday, July 24th, 2009I haven’t just been reading the world through books; music works the same way.
It’s a little harder to pick out the salient bits, to identify exactly which bits you’re connecting with – and why – but the premise is the same: music transports you.
It takes you somewhere else and reminds you of where you’ve been.
It’s an emotional rollercoaster, a miraculous way of moving you from one headspace to another – an expression, a way of speaking without words –
I’m using it like I’m using books – to work out what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I’m using it like I’m using the characters I identify with – to bridge the gulf between myself and the world a little.
It’s therapy all by itself – to make me happy when I’m sad; to energise and elate and excite; to speak what I can’t say; and feel what I can’t always reach -
There is in souls a sympathy with sounds:
And as the mind is pitch’d the ear is pleased
With melting airs, or martial, brisk or grave;
Some chord in unison with what we hear
Is touch’d within us, and the heart replies.
William Cowper
Some of the music I’ve been listening to:
Social Re-integration
Friday, June 19th, 2009I’m going to be practical here.
I think I’ve dwelt on the ache of isolation enough; I’m starting to depress myself.
It’s not an easy ride; but I’m beginning to see a way out. I’m beginning to see where the cracks in the glass door between me and the rest of the world are.
The first step – recognising the loneliness – was the most painful. And now I’ve taken my head out of the sand: it’s plain sailing from here onwards – with an eye out for pitfalls, of course.
Lesson 1: Don’t expect the world to come to you. It’s easy to get caught up in the misery of loneliness: this will make it worse. Accept it, take a bit of responsibility (you did start the brick wall) – but don’t get hung up on your mistakes (the eating disorder’s probably punished you more than enough already).
Lesson 2: Try and fix it. It’s tiring and a little scary and potentially disheartening – but take the initiative. Start with a smile – they do smile back – and go from there.
Lesson 3: Learn a little patience. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s the small connections that lead to the big ones in the end.
“Always, Mrs Ramsay felt, one helped oneself out of solitude reluctantly by laying hold of some little odd or end, some sound, some sight.”
To The Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf
As I said, you’ve got to take the initiative.
