Today I attended the Beat dedication service at Southwark Cathedral.
It remembered those whose lives had been taken by an eating disorder, and reached out to those who were left behind.
It acknowledged the wide circle of friends, families, carers, professionals, colleagues, lovers, mothers, fathers and siblings that the shadow of eating disorders extends over.
It remembered those who are still fighting.
And those who are now well.
(more…)
I developed anorexia before I really went through puberty. On the edge of womanhood, I sunk just before the major changes kicked in. This meant that, aside from a brief spell post my first inpatient treatment and a few months when things seemed to be on the up, I haven’t had periods. My last one was in 1996 or 97. As regular readers of my blog will know, I’ve been quite upset about this (here and here).
I’ve been at a normal BMI for nearly a year now; and, as I’ve watched my peers begin families and enter the next stage of their life, I’ve been left wondering whether I really have closed some doors that might have been open and if I will ever be able to repair the damage that I might have done.
There doesn’t seem a huge amount of research in this area. It has been hard to find any answers.
This isn’t the kind of thing I’d normally announce online, but my periods came back yesterday. I don’t know much about the medical stuff, but I think that this means I will be okay. I guess it proves that there’s always hope. It would, at least, explain why I have been such so hormonal and stressy over the past few days. ..
I don’t know what this means for my fertility. My GP has always been wildly optimistic, so maybe it’s time I started trusting his “the body will repair itself” mentality. That is, however, all some time off, so I’m just going to focus on the fact that I appear, finally, to be on my way.
On Sunday, it will be two years since I last binged and two years since I last threw up.
When I stopped, it felt as though I was wrenching out my heart. Now, it feels like I unclamped it.
I do not miss it at all. It does not cross my mind, apart from when some small, unpleasant reminder, like a shattered tooth or an unexpected flashback, make an unexpected appearance – and these certainly don’t tempt me back.
The first year was about existing through the days and the evenings; this year, it’s been about life. I do not need the film subscriptions and elaborately planned meals and scheduled phone calls to distract me any more; in fact, I rarely have enough time.
Even in my wildest imagination, I did not think it could be like this…
And so, I’m celebrating the occasion – as I did last year, and will do next year – as my unofficial birthday or the date that I allowed myself to come back to life.
It is, inevitably, tinged with sadness and a strange dusting of betrayal, though I could not say who betrayed who –
It does not matter.
The point is that I have had a second chance and I am starting, finally, to feel alive.
Who’d have thought, a few years ago, that I’d be doing the things that I’m doing now.
It is important, every now and then, to stop and reflect on the progress, even if the process remains hard.
We forget, sometimes, just how far we’ve come, because we’re worrying so much about how far’s left to go.
It is limitless.
So, I’m taking a pit stop and coming up for air –
Because, who’d have thought, a few years ago, when it felt like I was “all talk”, that I’d be sitting here writing stuff down for people to read? And who’d have guessed, if they saw me frantically dashing between food shops, swollen cheeked and skeletal handed, that it was the same person calmly sitting here today.
(more…)
Since going to see Alice in Wonderland, I have been completely taken by the idea of believing in “6 impossible things before breakfast”.
I have also realised that even getting to one is quite a challenge for me.
Despite my best attempts, a rather annoying voice chimes in and points out the irrationality of my thinking – and that’s before we’ve got anywhere near to blue caterpillars and talking cats.
“Today will be a great day” is countered by “you’re setting yourself up for a fall.” “Anything’s possible” is “provided” that things like rain, and ironing, and traffic jams, don’t get in the way. And, “crazy” ideas are negated with a “but”, or abandoned, mid creation, “because that would be ridiculous” –
Alice would disapprove. This is not at all what Lewis Carroll was talking about and my current approach is fundamentally flawed. I am vetting what’s possible – or not – before it even becomes a thought, let alone something I’d consider believing in.
So, in order to meet the target, I’m putting in a little preparation and trying to….
1. Create some space.
(more…)
“Do you actually want to get better?” was the question she asked me, when I had been caught, yet again, “bucking the system”. “And did I know”, she continued, “that the prognosis wasn’t good, for people like me?”
Well, no, actually, at fourteen I hadn’t stumbled over those particular statistics; and, no, since you’ve asked, I didn’t want to get better, if 5000 Kcal diet; pure terror; and you getting your way, were part of the plan.
(more…)
