I wrote this post in April. It was about my two day weekend in Vienna and how I was finally overcoming some health-related and anxiety-ridden barriers, and looking forward to exploring the world.
Unfortunately, on the day that I was due to fly, Eyjafjallajokull blew.
Vienna was meant to be a trial run.
In four days time, I’m leaving Europe and heading to the Big Apple.
This time I’m going it alone – and it is excitement that I am feeling, rather than fear.
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Yesterday, I went on a rally for Parliamentary Reform. On a grey and drizzly afternoon, we joined a group of people in Trafalgar Square who were pushing to change the system, in the hope of ensuring that all voices could be heard.
This is something that matters a lot to me.
Spurred into action by an indignant anger – and propelled through my discomfort of changing the day’s agenda by a sense that I should put my feet where my mouth was, I am still tingling from the excitement – and have learnt as much about myself as I have about Parliamentary Reform.
This is what I mean about recovery taking place in context.
This is why it’s important for me, every now and again, to take a deep breath and say, “yes, I’ll come, I’d like to do that” – even if it means that my lunch will have to shift back a time-slot, or I do something that I wouldn’t normally do –
Because I am richer for the experience, I think; and I have learnt some things about myself – and other people – that I didn’t previously know.
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I am going to Vienna for two days on Friday.
The excitement is bristled through with anxiety, or maybe it’s the other way around.
I am still getting used to the fact that I can leave the 30 mile radius that my eating disorder deemed comfortable, let alone the country. There were too many variables in travelling to make it feasible. The anxiety of the unknown and the uncontrollable, compacted by the need to be within arms-length of my doctor / dentist / therapist, meant that I spent ten years or so within the confines of the M25* – and I’m still getting used to being free.
There is a whole wide world out there to explore.
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Waiting for Godot screws with your mind. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The situation’s mad and the meaning’s elusive, but the resonances are crystal clear and razor sharp.
This afternoon’s performance at the Haymarket made me cry, which is not something I thought Matthew Kelly (of all people) would ever achieve. It reached somewhere I don’t think I accessed when I was studying the text; and touched a nerve that has only tingled in all the interim readings, of which there’ve been quite a few –
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I have just said yes to something that I would normally say no to.
You have to do this rather a lot in recovery; otherwise things just stay the same.
You have to start saying “yes”, even if your head is saying “no”; because you don’t find out what you’re capable of unless you take a little risk and give something new a go.
It has taken me a while to realise this. In the absence of a Jim Carey film which manages to make the point in about 90 minutes, I didn’t automatically see the connection between my constricting life and the frequency with which I said no…
I just started feeling a little trapped.
Given that my eating disorder had a zillion rules and assumed the majority of my time, this was probably unsurprising, only –
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I saw the Noisettes playing at the Roundhouse last night.
There’s nothing like a little live music to rouse the soul.
I’ve been a fan for a while and, whilst the performance didn’t disappoint, it was the encore that shot electric currents through the audience. You can always tell a good roundhouse gig from the mood at Chalk Falk tube station. At half 11 last night, it was buzzing.
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….is a question that I have been asking myself rather a lot recently.
Now that I’ve realised that people are preferable to an eating disorder, I’m eager to make up for lost ground and appreciating just how much we’ve got to offer each other –
Only, it’s a little harder now that I’m nearing 30 and most people seem to be settled; and, I’ve hit a few unanticipated questions – like where do I go, and what do I say? – and some overlooked assumptions – like what do I have to offer? – that have put a few barriers in my way.
Making friends is far more complicated then I remember.
Given that the last time I tried to make friends, the other 30 people in the classroom shared my sentiments, this is, perhaps, unsurprising. However, after doing lots of things that I thought I couldn’t do, and as I’ve already come this far, there’s no points in shying away from a challenge – and this is what I’ve started to learn:
1. Being my own friend
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When you notice the flakes, sparkling in the lamplights, and watch the snow, gradually lighting up the night sky; there seems to be a sudden shift of perspective –
Because as the landscape is tinsel-touched and transformed, and the trees become silvery across a whitewashed skyline; it is impossible to deny that nature is far greater than we are –
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For someone who is put off manicured hands by the drying time of nail varnish and is more than happy to 2 for 1 on Boots’ selection of beauty products, Champneys was a revelation. I may be a serial multi-tasker with an eye on the clock and a foot on the gas in real life – but the rules are different when you’re 5 star spa-ing.
Time is far more precious when there’s nothing to put in it.
I am learning how to exercise – in moderation.
I am exploring whether it’s down to genes – or open to all.
Whether it is possible to enjoy the experience – without feeling obliged.
The gym is therefore out, although I’ve given it a shot. As is anything that results in injury; involves excessive dirt or does not consider the unstable state of the UK’s climate.
After veering from one extreme to the other, I’m now playing it safe and taking it slow; and, I’m learning from the experience.
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I am a bit of a wimp. Forget Lilly Allen’s no fear: I am very much part of the over-paranoid-hand-washing-superfood-eating-risk-reducing crowd; and, ironically, my membership of this gang made me the perfect candidate for the nofit circus’ latest visit to London.
