Posts Tagged ‘Control’

Letting go of the edge

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

I have a desktop of half-finished blog posts. They are driving me insane. I am not sure that they will ever be completed because at the moment I seem to be in a state of constant change. Things are moving so quickly that each post is elbowed aside mid-flow, and I rarely reach a clear conclusion before the next thing comes along. It is quite disorientating.

The Secret to Patience

Thursday, July 8th, 2010

If you know the secret to patience, I’d love you to share it with me. Patience is a virtue I certainly do not have.

I’ve been waiting for things all week, and it’s left me somewhere between frazzled – and totally burned out. I like things straight away, please, before they might run out or run away…And yes, I know that I am a grown woman.

I also like to know exactly what’s coming and when it will arrive; so there’s some control and anxiety bubbling around in there as well, just to heighten the experience.

This is nothing new – I just haven’t sat with it before. It was one of the key feelings I tried to get rid of during my illness; either by not wanting (so not waiting), or by changing the direction with the violence of a purge. If you want things, you might be disappointed. If you’re excited about something, bingeing offers an alternative high and one that resets the equilibrium…in a very flawed way.

So, excitement – and the need for patience – and managing unpredictability – are all things that are quite new to me; and good, because it means there’s lots to look forward to – but bad, because they kind of mess around with my head and mean that I’m always trying to catapult myself ahead…

A lovely quote from Eckhart Tolle kind of summed up what I think is happening: “Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there.” This is what impatience is all about, for me. The next step, the next thing, the next certainty.


Of course, life doesn’t really work on these terms. You have to wait for things and you have to appreciate that some things happen – and others don’t…. But it would be good to have a few strategies or approaches to dealing with the interim period, so to speak. To help me learn how to be patient – or, at least, how not to burn myself out.

Any ideas?

Stopping Stopping Myself

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

With a mind that refuses to be quiet and is not very good at slowing – right – down – attempting meditation was always going to be interesting.

It is amazing what you can learn when you’re pinned to a chair trying not to overthink; because, as the facilitator introduced the need to remain mindful – in meditation – and described how to detach a little part of your consciousness to check that you are, indeed, relaxing –

the penny finally dropped.

Beyond the M25

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

I am going to Vienna for two days on Friday.

The excitement is bristled through with anxiety, or maybe it’s the other way around.

I am still getting used to the fact that I can leave the 30 mile radius that my eating disorder deemed comfortable, let alone the country. There were too many variables in travelling to make it feasible. The anxiety of the unknown and the uncontrollable, compacted by the need to be within arms-length of my doctor / dentist / therapist, meant that I spent ten years or so within the confines of the M25* – and I’m still getting used to being free.

There is a whole wide world out there to explore.

The If-Then Voice

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

There is a little voice in my head that likes to make connections between totally unrelated things. I call it the if-then voice, because this is its favourite line.

If you don’t do that – then this will happen, OR, if you do that – then this will be the result.

It likes to predict the outcome, does the if-then voice. It likes to consider any action – or non action – in terms of what will come next and in line with its own, mysterious, agenda, which is mostly around controlling me.

The to-Temazepam or not-to-Temazepam Debate

Friday, January 29th, 2010

I have been prescribed some Temazepam, to help me sleep.

It sits, alongside all the other well-intended treatment, in my kitchen cupboard, whilst I toss, and turn, and wait for the panic to wear itself out–

I have never been very good with medication.

Control or controlled?

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

When I get up at 6:30 in the morning, because I need an extra half an hour to weigh my breakfast and measure out my lunch; then it sometimes crosses my mind that maybe I’ve gone a little overboard with the whole control thing

But, because I’m in a rush (by the time I’ve spent the prescribed minutes eating each regulated teaspoonful in the right order), and as I have become accustomed (over the years) to my drawn out morning routine, I push the thought aside -

“A quiet, sane fortnight”

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

“But careful, careful! Don’t get excited. You know what happens when you get excited and exalted, don’t you?….Yes….And then, you know how you collapse like a pricked balloon, don’t you?…Having no staying power….Yes, exactly….So, no excitement. This is going to be a quiet, sane fortnight.”

Extract from Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

A lot of any emotion can feel a little too much.

It’s better to keep everything calm, stable and on the same level – even when the emotion’s something good like excitement.

We’ve been repressing things for years. Maybe it’s linked into civilisation coming along and writing the social rules. Or, maybe it’s just part of the human condition; an emotional version of defence.


The Curse of the Over-Analytical Mind

Friday, July 10th, 2009

An analytical mind is an asset. An over-analytical mind is a curse.

It means that you read things in to everything and tie yourself in knots trying to solve questions that can’t be solved.

Some things just are.

Some things don’t make sense.

Most people are far too complex to analyse satisfactorily.


Broken ankles and traffic jams

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

There’s a high probability that I’ve fractured my ankle. The irony in the situation is fantastic. I’ve been paranoid about it for years and then, when I am least expecting it. Wham.

Another reminder that we’re not infallible.

Another reminder that you can’t control everything.

Another reminder that we’re small fry in the grand scheme of things.

I’ll explain how my random chain of thoughts all links up.



Monday, June 1st, 2009

I have been scared of the thought police for a long time. The notion’s not as fantastical as it sounds. It’s just a little more internal.

In Orwell’s fabulous 1984, the thought police are out there. In my experience, they’re in your head. We know what we should and shouldn’t think. We’re well versed in checking our thoughts and the cautionary ‘I know I shouldn’t think this but’ type of apologies; accustomed to self policing what we do and don’t say to ourselves.

It’s probably okay in moderation. It’s probably part of our development into moral and ethical beings; of learning where the boundaries are.

I just tend to take things to extremes – and it’s taken me a while to appreciate that your imagination’s a very different landscape to the one out there.