Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

The Echo

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

In a horrible echo of how things used to be, I have spent the afternoon trawling the shops, only to return home, empty handed, because what I am looking for can’t be found on a supermarket shelf.

I am finding Christmas quite hard.

In the long unstructured gaps, when people are together or spending time with their other halves, the years that I spent rejecting companionship have come full circle; and, whilst I’m slowly getting back in touch with the world, the gaping hole that the eating disorder has left behind has been highlighted by the holiday season.
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People – Not Presents

Sunday, December 27th, 2009

Last night, as I surveyed the wrapping paper wreckage of Christmas and the bag of goodies waiting to be packed into the car, I realised that it was the people – and not just the presents – that I would be taking back with me.

And when I got home, after the excitement had died down and the evening had settled into a cinnamon infused glow; I noticed that I was, indeed, unpacking the people – along with the presents –

Because each carefully chosen gift is a constant reminder of someone’s care; and, every item, however big or small, is imbued with the person that gave it and the relationship behind it.

And so, every time I slip my fingers into my new gloves, the warmth will be doubled by the thought that they were chosen for me; and, as I touch the soft leather of my new bag, the love that selected it will feel equally tender.

The scent of my new soap will be automatically associated with a face and a person; and, when I’m using my new salt mill, it will not just be the fact that I can actually grind salt that makes me smile –

It will be the continuous reminders of other people that were wrapped up along with my presents.

New Year, New You?

Monday, December 21st, 2009

I am not great with new years.

I tend to find the ending, daunting; and the expectations, a little too much to take.

I get a little scared that I will wake up, on the first of January, to a completely alien landscape –

Or that it will be completely the same.

For a few years, I worried that I wouldn’t wake up at all.

I’ve clearly brought into the ‘new year new you’ hype and the inevitable annual apocalypse; so, this year, I’m getting prepared, and I’m trying to enter 2010 on a more positive footing –

It is an opportunity, and not an ending.
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Snow

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

If I hadn’t ignored my head then I wouldn’t have seen the snow, shimmering and sparkling in the early morning sunlight.

And if I had, as it commanded, stuck to the weekly regime and gone swimming; then I would have missed being the first to walk through the unmarked snowfall, spraying glitter in my wake and leaving a dance of footprints behind me.

If I had given in to the demand to justify and earn every mouthful, then I would have been lapping up and down an empty pool while the sun was working its magic over the snowswept fields; and, against the diamond white backdrop, the colours and shadows became breathtaking.

And, if I had listened to my often overpowering head – rather than my often overpowered heart; then I might not have noticed how beautiful the world can be, and how much fun there is in the smallest pleasures –

Like a twirling whirling flake of snow.

Handmade Cards

Friday, December 18th, 2009

One Christmas in hospital, handmade cards were my salvation.

With time on my hands and a head that wouldn’t behave, having a clear focus was a godsend.

After months of food and failure and going round in circles, a tangible product was just what the doctor had ordered; and, being able to give something – rather than always being on the receiving end – was a pleasant change.
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Feeling all alone at Christmas

Friday, December 11th, 2009

Because everyone’s blissfully happy and they’re all having so much fun; depression feels worst at Christmas, heightened and highlighted by the contrast.

And because everyone’s partying hard and booked up for months in advance; loneliness is heavy, shot through with the pain of being left out and accompanied by a barrage of self-criticism.

And when your eating disorder’s turns the Christmas roast into a new form of torture while everyone’s merrily tucking into mince pies or relishing the last bacon clad sausage; then the separation between you – and them – can feel unbridgeable.
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Arguing over mince pies

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

This is what I remember when a cut price box of Chocolate goodies feels too good a bargain to miss; or the buy one get seven free offers would save me money in the wrong run, because I’m just going to end up succumbing to the temptation –

Stop.

What I am really paying for is a particularly violent binge, after which (and if I’m still standing) I will feel like death – for the sake of a bargain.
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An eating disorder at Christmas…

Monday, December 7th, 2009

Christmas was a bit of a double whammy for my eating disorder.

The bulimia was in seventh heaven (with a touch of hell); the anorexia was on a permanent state of alert; and I was bouncing between the two.
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Keeping Calm at Christmas

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

There are three weeks to Christmas and I can already feel the panic, surging.

The whole world has gone mad.

Supermarket shelves stocked sky high with temptation, full of aggressive trolley-pushers swarming to unmissable bargains, leading to Christmas tables laden with food and cupboards, bursting at the seams –

Stop.

This is not what Christmas is about.
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