Archive for the ‘Recovery Ups and Downs’ Category

Trusting the process

Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

A while ago, I wrote a post called Clinging on to the Past. It was a difficult post to write as I had to acknowledge that I might be holding onto my eating disorder; and also, because I couldn’t see how the situation would be resolved.

At the time, a comment was left suggesting that I would know when the time was right to move on. It was a comment that touched me deeply, and has stayed, therefore, alive in my head. I couldn’t see how the miraculous transformation would materialise – but the hope made me feel warm and that was almost enough.

Re Dis-covery

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010

I started to write an eloquent post about the semantics of the word “recovery”.

It has stuttered and spluttered, for the past few weeks, and I have made myself feel misunderstood. I do not want to write about it nicely, at the moment. I don’t want to phrase how I’m feeling in pleasantries or flowery terms.

To be honest, I’d rather just sit and cry.

One Life

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Last week, I was asked what the key turning points in my recovery were.

There were quite a few – my teeth, another close call, the isolation, the increasing social disconnection, my brother, despair – but one powerful motivation which seems so obvious (now) that I rarely reflect on it, and seldom give it much space –

We have – that I know of – only one life.


Thursday, April 1st, 2010

I am just beginning to realise how institutionalised I had become. I am finding the ‘normal’ world a scary place. It speaks a language that I don’t really understand. I am comfortable in terms of CPAs and meal plans; supervision, bloods and BMIs. I know where I am with meds, and ward rounds, and care co-ordinators, and agency staff at the weekend –

It’s the stuff that everyone else talks about that I find harder to get the hang of.

Back to the Beginning

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

I am having a bit of a hard time.

The stuff that I thought I’d sorted out years ago has made a reappearance; and, without the crutch of an eating disorder, I have been caught off guard.

This was not part of the deal and I am beginning to feel a little cheated. “If you lose weight then it’ll all be okay” has turned out to be a mixture of illusion, and blatant lie.

Clouds Clearing

Friday, January 1st, 2010

After going to hell – and back, a strange thing seems to have happened; and, like a lens that has been unexpectedly clicked into focus, things suddenly look a lot brighter.

You don’t take anything for granted when you have come so close to losing it all.

As the shadows shift and the clouds begin to drift away, even the ordinary seems tinged with gold; and the mundane, something to be treasured.

They said that this would happen when I got better. That it would be like soaring above a shiny new world; like the clearing of the clouds. They predicted that, one day, things would be different, and I’d look back and wonder how I could have turned my back on life so completely –

Emotional Healing

Saturday, August 1st, 2009

I could be swallowed up by the regret, be dragged way down into the pits of despair – if I lingered on it for too long.

The remorse has only come with the recovery. It’s the one saving grace – because it means that I’m moving in the right direction.

Even though it hurts like hell.

When I reach the other side, it will be worth it.

This is what my recovery has often been like. A painful awakening, an uncomfortable admission, the harsh candour of reality.


My liberation -

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

This is my liberation.

This is my time to feel alive.

It’s been a long time coming, but I’m singing now and I’m holding onto each golden moment.

This is my emancipation, my thawing.

This is finding my voice when it had been taken and recovering my self when it got lost. This is coming up for air –