Archive for the ‘Isolation’ Category

The Hug

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

I was walking back through the park and there were a couple, hugging, on the path in front of me.

His head was bowed on her shoulder; her hands were clasping his back, so tightly that I could sense the strength; and I wanted, as I side-stepped around them, to scream.

This is what the eating disorder stole from me.

That kind of hug – and that kind of union – is what it stopped me from enjoying; and has put so far away that the distance feels too vast to bridge.


Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

I am ashamed of my isolation.

It is like a stamp of failure.

I can understand, when I’m in a logical frame of mind, that the circumstances have not been conducive to a bustling buzzing social life, and that maybe I need to give myself a break –

But it’s hard not to take it personally –

And it hurts that the problem might well be me.

The Scream

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

I can tell you this now.

It’s the loneliness that will get you.

Not the hunger, or the worrying, or the rituals, or the paranoia.

Not even the fear of getting fat.

It’s the loneliness that’s the real killer.

The longer you’re ill, the worse it is.

It makes sense really; time is a precious commodity and there’s only so much waiting for recovery that people can take. Life may stop for you – but it keeps on going for the rest of the world.

The irony is that you want to be left alone for the first bit. You want people not to ask and not to worry and not to expect anything.

Don’t worry. They’ll stop.


Settling In (Stage 2)

Saturday, May 2nd, 2009

Once an eating disorder – or, to make it more psychologically viable, the mindset of an eating disorder – is in there, then it can really start playing havoc.

It will tell you what to do and what to think and how to act.

It’s like your own personal Paul McKenna brainwash. It’s hard to switch off, good at shouting over you.