Archive for the ‘Towards Recovery’ Category

Recovery: Some of the things we talked about…

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

I did a recovery vodcast earlier this week. Because my recovery was so internalised and over-analysed, I forget that there are useful things that could be said. This is a recovery dump. It’s some of the things that we talked about that I had only talked to myself about. I don’t know whether they’ll be helpful. I’ve been so aware that my recovery has been different from his recovery – which is different from her recovery – that I’d forgotten the points where experiences collide, and that the more weapons you can rally up, the better.

It is not an easy battle, nor fought on a single front…

So, in no particular order, these are some of the things that we discussed.



Sunday, June 13th, 2010

I have heard the word “intention” mentioned in three different contexts over the past few days. This can’t be coincidence. There’s clearly something I’m meant to explore. It’s another one of those occasions where I have taken a rather long and protracted route to arrive at a common psychological concept, this being we are more likely to do that which we intend to do –

And that stating it makes it real.

Feeling the Fear – and Getting Better

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

Sometimes, getting better is far scarier than staying ill.

Sometimes, the apprehension and the expectation and the uncertainty can stop you from changing your life. We’re far more comfortable with what we know –

It will be okay.

It might feel scary, but you’ll be okay.

There are no certainties – but it will not be as bad as you expect.

It just takes a little courage and a few deep breaths; and, when you’ve got through the first challenges, you’ll be looking back and wondering what took you so long –

Getting Better

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

I have wasted a lot of time searching for a magic cure for eating disorders.

If this existed, I’m sure that a scientist or doctor would have already made the breakthrough.

There is no one-fix-wonder for anorexia-bulimia; no magic pill to change your head overnight and make it better; no one size fits all answer to explain why it happens and how to make it stop happening.

There’s just lots of different and difficult ways of recovering.

It’s simply a case of finding what works for you.

A Reason to Recover

Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

Getting better is not always the easiest option – so you’ve got to have a reason to break through the pain barrier. A little personal pep talk to keep you going when the going gets tough.

I’d love to write the script, to provide a nice neat comprehensive list of reasons that will keep you on the straight and narrow -

- but my reasons belongs to me and your reasons have to belong to you.

My personal pep talk will never sound like your personal pep talk – because, the key to getting through recovery is working out what makes the difference for you. It’s identifying that elusive – and all important – touchstone that gives recovery a context for you.

Getting Help

Saturday, July 11th, 2009

A few years ago, I would have slammed the treatment for eating disorders. I would have blamed my failed attempts at recovery on professional incompetence, medical ignorance – and the government’s failure to provide an adequate national health service.

A few years ago, I would have said that nobody could help me. When you’ve tried everything from inpatient to outpatient – via day therapy and 24 hour guard – within private, public and locked facilities; delivered by doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, specialists, hypnotherapists …well, you start to feel that all the options have been exhausted.

Today, I can say that the latter’s not true – and that I’m probably not milky white in relation to the former.

The treatment for eating disorders is not, as I’d liked to have believed, fundamentally flawed -

I didn’t really help myself.

Taking Responsibility

Friday, June 19th, 2009

I thought that I’d have to be absolutely certain that I wanted to get better before I could make the leap.

I waited, and waited … and waited, to reach a head space where all the big changes felt better; where recovery felt easy and exciting and a little less daunting.

It didn’t happen.

I thought that someone or something could make it easier. That this EDU or that psychiatrist or that day and this outfit would change everything, it was just a case of finding the right someone something….


Because only I had the answer.

And the realisation hit me like a sledge-hammer.


First Steps

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

People often say that acknowledgement is the first step to recovery. It means you’re half way there.

I beg to disagree.

Admitting that you’ve got an eating disorder is a step on the way to recovery. Admitting that you’re ill is a turning point. And there’s a difference.

I owned up to my eating disorder pretty early on. I didn’t get the illness bit quite so quickly. For a while, the eating disorder was a big character flaw; then, a badge of pride; for many years, my identity – but rarely an illness.

You don’t catch an eating disorder like you catch the flu. There’s an element of choice, however subconscious, that complicates everything. That makes it harder to consider an eating disorder as an illness – and not a lifestyle choice or a fad or a prolonged and painful suicide.

You could argue any of the latter quite easily – but they’re irrelevant. If you want to get better, you’ve got to realise that you’re ill.

You’ve got to move beyond the blame and the embarrassment and the guilt – and realise that, when you’re ill, you need to get better.

The Blame Game

Thursday, June 4th, 2009

This is a quick word of warning.

I played the blame game for years. You always lose.

I don’t know whether it’s different for people who are genuinely the victims of wrong doing and I wouldn’t like to speak for them – but, mostly, you don’t get anything back from blame. You certainly never get what you want back: any satisfaction always comes at a cost.