Last post

I have been meaning to shut Finding Melissa down for a while now. It costs a bit to keep going and sometimes I feel like my life is scattered, carelessly, across the internet in half started blogs and forgotten web pages. Plus, I haven’t updated it for a long time and the world, and I, have changed so much since my last update. Each time I consider it though, I think that I will just leave it a little longer. That there still seems to be a fair amount of traffic so maybe it’s useful. That my recovery is still, even all these years later, one of the things that I am most proud of in my life – and Finding Melissa is so bound up with that.

However.

Before I do pull the plug, I guess I want to leave one final message.

A couple of years ago I wrote a book version of my blog. It was much sharper, grittier, a bit more linear. During this period, I read a couple of autobiographies, some of which resonated strongly, others of which left a note of ambiguity around the potential of recovery. Or to me anyway.

Last year was pretty stressful for me – but it was also the first time that I really noticed that food no longer really entered the equation for me. And, as the stress alleviated, I realised, also, that the last lingering remnants of my eating disorder had dissipated without me really noticing. I eat cake on my birthday. When I am feeling lazy, I have supernoodles, a food I’d once spent years eating just to throw straight back up again. I pick up the biscuits that go round in the office meetings. I don’t mind being teased by my colleagues about my love of Percy Pigs.

Someone recently said to me that an eating disorder never fully goes away, that it is managed but still a shadow. For me, that has not been the case. I know that nothing is forever and I know that my life is far from perfect and I still have a healthy handful of things I find difficult – but I also believe that recovery is fully and really possible. And I guess that this is the last thing that I really want to share.

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