Finding Melissa. Again.

It has been 15 days since I last threw up.

I think I have broken the cycle.

This is the longest I’ve managed since my relapse started, and I have no intention of going back.

I didn’t know if I’d be able to write this post. When the switch would occur, if at all. The thought of leaving the blog that I started in hope with an unhappy ending hung heavily for a while –

And yet, I have now been through the first few sticky days, where the discomfort of change was preoccupying and the belief that I could turn promises into action, at its lowest ebb. I have felt the panic of saying goodbye, even though goodbye is indeed welcome; and resisted the dangerous seduction of “one last time”. There have been sleepless nights, and stomach cramps, and a slight friction as my body veers back towards health –

But now, the glands which were swelling are beginning to shrink and the blood in the basin, when I brush my teeth, decrease. My hands and my attention are no longer shaking; and I have felt my shoulders lighten and my head lift. I have noticed that I am back in the conversations, rather than floating around the edge. Am smiling and laughing and living far more than I have for a while –

And so, I wanted to share this here, even though it has been hard to pinpoint the turning point or uncover the exact combination of fear – and hope – and motivation – and support – that has stopped me from losing myself.

I am under no illusion that there will be ups and downs in the future; but for the moment, I am winning and, actually, it doesn’t even feel like a fight.

Tags: ,

  • Share/Bookmark

15 Responses to “Finding Melissa. Again.”

  1. Thank you hun for always being so honest! Hugs to you! You are a true recovery warrior.

  2. Melissa says:

    As are you Kendra. Thank you. xx

  3. Puppet says:

    Yays! That and a thousand hugs is all. xxx

  4. Melissa says:

    Hugs back atcha – and a big thank you for helping me through. xx

  5. Chloe says:

    Hey sweetie,
    Every time I’ve logged on to FB I’ve seen that you are online, and have tried to start a chat conversation, but for some reason it hasn’t worked. So I planned to call you this evening to find out how you are getting on as it has been ages since we’ve spoken. And then this post popped up.
    Your achievements are beyond inspiring, and I still believe (and always have believed) that you will beat this. Because you have so much to offer life, and it has so much to offer you.
    Huge hugs and mountains of love,
    Cxx

  6. Melissa says:

    Chloe – you said a while back that I could do it and I have clung onto that. It made a big difference when I wasn’t sure. Will call you today. xx

  7. Well done. I am extremely proud of you and wish you continued success. Be good to yourself.

  8. Melissa says:

    Sanabituranima – thank you. I am now. You too. xx

  9. James says:

    Just happiness, hugs and a huge smile. :D

  10. Melissa says:

    James – back atcha sunshine :)

  11. Evan says:

    Congratulations. Especially that it is not feeling like a fight

  12. Melissa says:

    Evan – Yes, that helps a lot. I was so resistant last time where as this time it feels like everything is moving forward together. The hiccups are hiccups rather than pain.

  13. Michael says:

    Melissa,

    There are a lot of people out there who know you through your blog. You have helped so many through the sharing of your insights and experience! Take a moment … can you hear and feel us rooting for you? I hope so, in some form. And not just when you struggle. The world needs you, and you need you. Good to have you back. Best to you.

  14. Melissa says:

    Michael – what can I say. Totally moved. The bit about people rooting for me is totally how I have felt, and has made the most massive difference. It has made me feel brave and connected and incredibly incredibly lucky. Am very glad to be back too. xx

  15. ex-ana says:

    you are a winner!