I have been quiet over here recently.
It’s partly because I haven’t been able to find the words to say what I am feeling; and partly because I’ve had to change my get-back-on-track strategy. I am trying to squeeze the eating disorder out with activity, this time; and have learnt that, without flexibility, I just keep going round and round –
It has been a case of the doing the same thing and expecting different results phenomenon.
What helped me the first time I stopped the bulimia doesn’t quite fit with where I now am. The feelings and challenges are similar – but the context is totally different; and so, as a very wise friend pointed out, the solution I had proposed no longer matches up.
It has taken a while for the penny to drop.
I have moved through frustration (“why can’t I do what I need to do?”) to fear (“I don’t know how to change things”) to acknowledgement (“I am still not moving in the right direction”) –
I can hold onto the fact that I’ve done it before – I just might need to do it differently this time round.
This is a both liberating and terrifying realisation. It has also taught me a few things about the recovery process that I did not fully appreciate before….
Adaptability is fundamental. If the first approach isn’t working, then it’s not a matter of failing – it’s about trying other things until you find a way that works.
The slip-ups are not, as I had positioned them, gaps that will become openings for the eating disorder. They are, instead, opportunities to spot the weak points and make sure they don’t trip me up again.
I have known that recovery is a dynamic process, but never seen it so clearly, nor managed to step away from the disappointment when it does not go to plan. This is the other lesson in there.
Recover a bit – more forward – slip a little – learn something new and recover a bit more – move forward –
I am growing stronger, I think, although it has felt like I have been getting lost.