The actions that go with the words

Tonight, I am painting my nails red and wrapping myself in blankets. I wrote a post, this morning, and disregarded it immediately because I did not work out what giving myself a chance actually meant.

At the end of a painful day, I realise, again, that actions need to accompany words. That I am there with the concept – I just don’t quite see how to put it into practice and haven’t yet mapped out how it will look.

It starts, I think, with a good dose of TLC and a spot of self care, and grows into realising that I am as valid, as a person, as anyone else.

This is where I slip up.

I would not (I hope) treat others, as I treat myself –

And so giving myself a chance means not looking for the faults – and then magnifying them; nor fearing success – and stamping it out before it has chance to be realised. It is starting out with respect and tolerance – instead of hostility or distrust – and giving myself a hand up when I get it wrong.

And giving myself a chance is as simple (or complicated) as three meals a day and turning away from purging, for no other reason than deciding that I do not want to destroy myself. It is enjoying the moments of happiness – and delight – and elation – as I am as deserving of them as anyone else -

Which I sometimes forget…

Because giving myself a chance is not trying to run before I can walk. It’s trusting that the effort will pay off, even if the first stage is a little bit scratchy. That the discomfort is normal and transient, rather than something that is here to stay.

And giving myself a chance means fighting (for a while) until the new patterns are stronger than the old patterns –

Because I am worth the effort and I am prepared to put the energy in.

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8 Responses to “The actions that go with the words”

  1. Becky says:

    Yes — THIS is what I love to hear from you.
    You ARE beautiful and so very wise — more wise than I am that’s for sure. When we tweeted this morning, after the last one… I got up and got a tree and put up a wreath and put lights outside and wrapped presents — I did that because of your tweet. I gave myself a chance to put the words in to action and not sabbatoge myself. YOU give yourself a chance.
    This is a great thought process you are starting on.

  2. Evan says:

    I think you are worth it too Melissa.

  3. James says:

    Wonderful, touching, thought-provoking and helpful… (as always ;) )

    Even if it is hard to ‘map it out’ and put the concept into practice and if it feels weird to make the changes and do the different things, you hit upon something here. “I would not (I hope) treat others, as I treat myself” – maybe there’s a fundamental baseline there to work from.

    We are all worth the energy and effort and need to give ourselves a chance. Thanks for the inspiring reminder. Be good to yourself… :)

  4. Do you see a therapist or have some other support network in place? Self-knowledge is a wonderful thing, but in I need to be accountable to someone other than myself in order to truly get–and stay–well. Best wishes. :)

  5. Melissa says:

    Thanks for the comments – these were quite difficult posts to write and I wasn’t sure how to put the feelings into words.

    Becky – thank you – that means so much. Not sure about the wisdom (might be more due to intensive therapy ;) ) – but I’m going to remember this comment each time I find myself putting a block up to the things that would be good for me. xx

    Evan – thank you. Just gotta keep remembering that.

    James – you’re right about the base line. I was talking to a friend who asked me what it was that I had done which was so bad….Nothing, really. Or nothing that I wouldn’t forgive someone else for doing. I wonder why we are so much harder on ourselves than we are on others – Guess for the moment I need to keep pulling it up so that we’re starting from the same place. Thanks for commenting. xx

    Heather – I think I’ve done all my therapy for the moment but I do have a wonderful GP who I speak to every week. You’re totally right about accountability I think – I also try and do things on my own, but it definitely helps to have a checking in point. I also find that if I’m really honest about what’s going on, however uncomfortable it feels, there is an inherent incentive to keep fighting. I’m going to have a think about whether I’m doing enough on this though. xx

    Thanks sanabituranima. xx

  6. I love your statements about trying to run before walking. I struggle with this often and am also learning that a little compassion and kindness toward myself goes a long long way toward helping my conduct align with what I’d like it to be.

  7. girlundiscovered says:

    ” No matter how out of control my relapses get, it is nice to know that I can always step right out of them with the same basic recovery principles. I always need to listen for what Ed is telling me to do and then disobey him. Seperating from Ed always works – no matter how far along you are in recovery and no matter how far you’ve fallen into relapse. I don’t have to spend another twenty-four hours with Ed. As soon as i realize that Ed is running the show, I can do what I need to do to get back on track in a matter of moments. I won’t give Ed one more day. Not one day”

    p. 137 Life without Ed by Jenni Schaefer