A reality check

I am devastated by what has happened over the past few months.

The dam broke, earlier this evening, and the magnitude of my devastation has finally come out.

Before I gave up smoking, I read the Allen Carr book. There was a passage in it that has remained with me. It was about the fact that each ‘last cigarette’ re-ignited the desire for the next one, keeping you trapped in an illusion of ‘just one more time’.

It is the same, for me, with bingeing.

Each time gets me a little more hooked. Each craving that is satisfied sets up the cycle again.

And so I am sucked in and spiralling down and watching all the things that I have worked so hard for over the past year teetering –

And as they hang in the balance, I realise just how much I want this life that I am building. Just how much it means to me, now that there’s the chance I might lose it again –

And so I am devastated. Devastated. That despite a two year abstinence, and in spite of the self awareness, and after all the pain that it has caused me, the eating disorder can still slither in and assert, oh so quickly, it’s iron grip –

And I am terrified, to my core, that I will not be able to turn it around; because I keep saying that I will, and yet when I am standing at the fork between my future and my past, I do not seem able to chose which road to take –

In the split seconds, I lose my sense of navigation, and it is only in the aftermath that I realise I have been misled.

I do not want to go backwards.

I, Melissa, am so indescribably excited about what could lie ahead –

But the longer I remain in the cycle, the more I lose sight of which way is the front.

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8 Responses to “A reality check”

  1. Jo says:

    If it means anything to you matey, I am right there with you. No two people are the same, but if two situations could be held up side by side, ours would bear a distinct likeness. I am terrified but also dead to it, because it comes so much more naturally than being without it. I cannot even remember how I stopped now, it seems unstoppable, because it seems like it should be. It’s like that was another person, some stranger who knew something I don’t.

    We WILL turn it around. I don’t know how, but we will. In your corner sunshine.

    Jo xx

  2. As always, this is powerful, poignant, and permeated with words that hit just a bit too close to home for comfort with me. Your statements about only realizing you’ve been misled in the aftermath ring with such truth and clarity. There is a brief yet crucial moment before getting caught in the process of “one more time” in which there is an opportunity to stop. That moment is elusive. Sometimes, I forget to look for it until it’s all over. But when I can capture that moment, it holds so much promise for the future. Melissa, keep watching for that moment. Envision that moment like a butterfly that must be caught in a net.

  3. Melissa says:

    I nearly pulled this post. The repercussions of honesty felt a little too much and I worried that I was blurting all over my blog. It feels, however, like I have got something out in the open and given it the words to deal with it; and I hope that from this point I can move on.

    Jo – yes, I agree. And I’m in your corner too. I also agree that we’ll turn it around. I think by a step at a time and by being honest and by reaching out. Or for me, anyway. I want the life I was building and I want me back. xx

    Michelle – it is totally in that second and I suppose the first step is recognising that there is a moment to walk away, however brief it is. I guess the other thing that this reminds me of is that the golden moment grows: each time the opportunity (healthy) is seized, the split second gets a bit more ammunition until there is enough time to really think through each action.

  4. Evan says:

    I hope you have some good support in dealing with this Melissa.

    Was the stuff over the past few months triggered by anything in particular? If so maybe you can do something about that.

    I hope you do manage to build that exciting life.

  5. Claire says:

    Thinking of you dude! :) :) :)

    /chucks a compass at you, in the hopes that you find your way soon,

  6. Melissa, you are infinitely greater and more powerful than the bingeing, the urge to binge, and the thoughts and emotions that lie beneath it. All your hard work, your desire, the gains you’ve made, and the life you’ve built are proof of that. You are awesome!
    I agree with Michele: dwell in that moment of knowing you are being misled by the part of you that still believes that it can achieve what it needs through bingeing. Ask that part what it truly needs, and know that you already have it within you to satisfy that need without food. Because, like I said, YOU are POWERFUL and AWESOME!

  7. Tom Parker says:

    Everything I’ve read of yours, and what I’ve gathered from the small number of times I’ve met you says you’re an amazing and strong person, and that you do have the strength to get through down points like this.

    I don’t have similar experiences, so that’s about all I can really say, other than *hugs*

  8. *hugs*

    I’m sorry tha\t you’re going through this.