Finding Melissa. Again.

If I could go back two weeks and re-write the script, I would. I feel like I have been hijacked. Like I was going merrily along and then, suddenly, wham –

Where have I gone?

I have not wanted to write about it because I am boring myself but I miss my blog. I miss writing things into meaning. I miss getting the thoughts out of head and I don’t like the muffling silence. The longer I stay in it, the harder it becomes to find the words.

If I could go back two weeks, then I would dive in and knock myself out of the way before being knocked over. I would bundle myself up in a thick swaddling of protection, like a temporary cocoon. I would make sure that I was, at least, prepared –

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

If I look back, I can also see where the fractures were happening –

But we cannot change the past, we can only learn from it.

And so now I am picking up the pieces and putting myself together again. I have done it before, I keep being reminded; and this has been a tremor rather than a quake, a mild set back rather than a catastrophe. It is frustrating to realise how quickly you can lose yourself again – but in the comparison, has highlighted just how much, in the past few years I have found.

This is the motivation at the moment: I want myself back.

I want myself back; and because I want myself back, I need to keep myself well, which means doing (or not doing) the things that, at the moment, feel quite hard. It means following a meal plan, and putting some keep safe strategies in, and reaching out when I find it hard on my own. It also means peeling back the surface and acknowledging whatever else is going on. I don’t think, to be honest, that this is as scary or unknown as it has been in the past –

But these are the first fundamental steps –

And then I can start finding Melissa. Again.

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4 Responses to “Finding Melissa. Again.”

  1. Splinteredones says:

    It happens over and over and over in our lives, right honey? We fall off. Get back on. Fall off, get back on. We find ourselves get lost find the path. It’s the rhythm of healing. I’ve been out of it myself as well and I k ow how hard this is. Take ur time, you are in there.

  2. James says:

    Whatever happens or wherever you are up to, we we’ll be happy to hear from you. (That sounds weird but you know what I mean)

    If writing your blog helps you, brings clear meaning and stops the tremors doing damage (and feeling like earthquakes) then let it out. I like your blog so much because it’s so well-written and because it always offers hope and something positive – but it’s not ultimately about the readers. It’s about you.

    Here’s to refinding yourself where you feel you’ve got a little lost lately. Keep yourself well, reach out when you need and draw on the strength and character that you know you have. On with the journey :) x

  3. Evan says:

    I think two weeks is pretty quick. I lose myself in new thoughts and projects and it can take me lots longer than two weeks to get back to my sense of who I am and what I want to do. Not always, but sometimes.

    Good to hear that you are back on track and that you know how to do this.

  4. Heather says:

    Hi Melissa,

    It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to get yourself back on track again. This is probably one of the hugest things in moving on from disordered eating, because it is just too easy to bury our heads in the sand when there are things that aren’t 100% perfect in our lives, and this is what provides the fuel for the ED fire, I guess. Especially when you’ve been doing so great, it must feel really hard to stand up and say that it actually isn’t so perfect…. But it does say a lot about who you are and how you’ve moved on. You can say this, get help, help yourself and keep living as who you are, getting stronger and more beautiful, inside and out, day by day.

    Moreover, I think this is a really important thing for many of us in similar situations because recovery/moving on (whatever you want to call it) will never be perfect, because no one is perfect. It’ll be up one day, down the next and round and round again. Because it is really just life and life’s a clutterbug of things, some good and some bad.

    Keep your chin up and know that you’re helping others by helping yourself xxx