Echoes

This is not then, although it feels like it.

It is like putting on an old jumper and suddenly being flung back –

At first, it feels a little peculiar; and then, gradually, the familiarity diffuses through the peculiarity and you can’t quite work out where you are.

Here, then, now.

I am finding it difficult to remove the jumper. It is like being reacquainted with something you thought you had lost. Even though the loss was good, the separation is still unpleasant and the thought of going through it all over again –

I am trying to bring myself back into present.

It is hard because the scales are unfairly tipped. 17 years of one – two of the other – and it is, perhaps unsurprising, which feels more like home -

Only I know that it is not.

The knowledge makes the disorientation stronger. I have blurred the lines and it is hard to work out which way is forward when the tug is -

No. No. I made a promise: no going back.

No going back.

Only I can’t work where I’m heading for and it feels like I am going round and round and round and –

Stop.

This is not then, although it feels like it.

This is not then, although the echo has stopped me in my tracks.

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5 Responses to “Echoes”

  1. Evan says:

    I hope you have people giving you support and good times in the here and now. This makes it so much easier for me to work through my attachment to the past.

  2. girlundiscovered says:

    The ED may feel like home, but I can pretty much bet that it’s a dysfunctional, dirty and mean home. Even if on the surface, all seems okay, it is abusive and destructive and will eventually show it’s true colours.

    You are moving towards a life where life – and not food – is the centre of your attention. You are moving towards a place where friends and opportunities for love and affection wait for you, and not loneliness and isolation. You are moving towards acting and being in the moment, being part of the picture, instead of sitting on the outside.

    Review all the strategies that worked before and put them in place, one tiny step and one day at a time. Because they did work – even though the ED Critic will say they didn’t – and they did help – even though she’ll say what’s the point. And when she shouts, shout louder.

    I’ll be shouting along with you :-) xxx

  3. *hugs* You’ve done so well, been so brave. Keep fighting.

  4. Me. says:

    Recovery isn’t always a straight line, it isn’t always as clear cut as well/notwell or using behavours/notusing behavours – there are shades inbetween and good patches and not so great, but, even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are still moving forward. Lapsing doesn’t ‘undo’ all that’s done, and it doesn’t have to mean a return to an ED life, it’s just a bad patch but that fact you’re using all the tools you have, putting stratergies in place to keep the progress going show how far you’ve come.
    Our EDs all must have given us something, some kind of satisfaction or safety, and of course thats hard to give up, but you’ve seen that the alternatives, while scarey and strange, are worthwhile. Much love your way x

  5. James says:

    Thanks for sharing, Issa. In brief, the echo image resounds (no pun intended) because, for me at least, it effectively describes the constant noise that doesn’t seem to go away and the confusion that comes with it.

    Are we done? Is that the real noise or just something meaningless? Am I ‘hearing things’ and making a big deal out of nothing?

    As always, it’s hard and trying. Take care and stick on through the disorientation and doubt. :) x