Choices

Today, I feel a little bit more like me.

I have been picking up the pieces, slowly, because the past few weeks have rocked the foundations that I built my recovery on. If you’d asked me, in October, how I’d cope with a relapse, I’d have flippantly replied that I didn’t ever think about it because it would never happen to me – after all, why would I want to go back when I had made so much progress and started to build myself a life?

I am still stuck in the dichotomy, though I think the balance is beginning to tip. It would tip a lot faster if I could shake this “because I can” thinking, which is the other thing that’s got me gripped. I might as well go back to it all “because I can” and a few months ago I was convinced that I couldn’t. It is as simple – and as complicated – as that.

This is the struggle at the moment. The bit where the carpet has been whipped from under my feet. I have always believed, I think, that my recovery was driven by necessity, rather than by me. That the bulimia stopped because it had to stop for my dental operations. That I needed to reach a healthy weight in order to move forward with my life. That there were no choices.

Now the urgency has passed, I am finding that there’s room for doubt. That I have undermined the beliefs and opened the floodgates and it has felt like anything goes –

I should “because I can”.

No.

A very wise friend reminded me that the opportunity was always there.

Until I sat down to write this post, I wasn’t sure exactly what she meant. I kind of understand it now. Nothing has changed apart from the belief – and yet it is this subtle re-positioning that is catching me out now in the same way that it caught me out then. I find that my default setting is a little off kilter and I am negotiating for permission not to act upon the eating disorder – when actually there’s no negotiation needed because there is a choice.

There is a choice -

And I’ve been making it all along.

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4 Responses to “Choices”

  1. WG says:

    Such amazing levels of self-awareness as this will see you through. That and an etchasketch. Have faith, stay strong. You are doing well. Hugs. WG.xx

  2. Claire says:

    Your friend is very wise, as are you Melissa.

    “There is a choice -

    And I’ve been making it all along. ”

    Now that right there is a theme song, mantra, tshirt slogan if ever I saw one.

    Just keep swimming – Said in a Dory voice.

  3. Evan says:

    There always is a choice. And when we tell ourselves there is no choice this can be an important support. And then we need to move the support inside of us – to something like ‘there is no choice for me’ (because I want to be healthy/joyous/whatever).

    I have found that ‘no choice’ has really helped me get through some tough times, make some hard choices.

  4. *hugs* Stick at it.

    There is stuff worth living for. You know it now.