Teeth. Again.

My tooth is throbbing.

It is the lower one on the right hand side.

There is a fracture that runs from the top to the bottom of it.

Apparently, it will break at some point: it is only a matter of time. I forget about it, for a little bit – and then I have nightmares and spend days pulling my lip back to check that it is okay.

The fear is not ungrounded. The bulimia has taken a few from the back and the rest are still crumbling away.

I am going to America tomorrow. This means that I will be far far away from the dentist that slots me in every time I get a bit paranoid or the hygienist that makes me feel okay.

This is one of the reasons that I haven’t travelled.

Even talking about it makes me feel like I might be jinxed. Like I will get off the plane and suddenly the crack will widen and I am left with a hideous gaping grin –

Just before I stopped bingeing, I’d wake up in a cold sweat because I’d find myself vomiting teeth in my dreams –

I don’t know why I’m writing this.

I tell myself that I don’t mind. That I am more than my teeth. That I will manage, should the worst happen. That I will still be lovable and wanted and maybe attractive to someone.

I don’t believe it.

Even though I am no longer bingeing or purging, this is where the bulimia has got me gripped.

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4 Responses to “Teeth. Again.”

  1. Jenny says:

    I can totally identify with this ~ scaring so, indeed. When I was vomiting a lot my teeth really took a hammering, to the extent I needed to cover my mouth whenever I spoke. It had a huge effect on my confidence, and I often had nightmares about my teeth just literally coming out of my mouth as a full set, it was horrible. And actually quite predictive, as I subsequently went on to have vast amounts of surgery done to no avail and finally had to have them all extracted. Literally. Heart attacks and full dentures before you are thirty is an extreme but humbling legacy of a horrible illness. BUT my new teeth mean I can talk and smile and make eye contact again and I truly believe that this has contributed greatly to my recovery. But I truly feel for you at this moment, it’s a horrible feeling xxxxxx

  2. James says:

    Oh, not ideal timing at all. :(

    I think you know why you’re writing this, and I’m glad you are. It’s one of those moments of doubt and worry that things are going too well and that you can’t be allowed to have a good time and enjoy life. But that’s not on!

    You’ve got justified fears and lasting damage because of bulimia, but it’s not everything and you are right to say that you are more than your teeth (way, way more!).

    Those are the nightmares of the past niggling you at an exciting point in time and trying to rain on your parade, but chances are you will be fine. The tooth will throb a bit and the fracture will be there but maybe that’ll help remind you of how far you’ve come and why life is better now than at the worst points in the past.

    To take a bite out of the Big Apple you don’t actually need to use your teeth anyway. ;) Have an absolutely brilliant time and don’t let the little worries wreck your trip and stop you smiling.

    Big hugs and bon voyage! You’re going to America! Hip hip! :D

  3. Evan says:

    Congratulations that you are going anyway. I hope you can maybe find some contingency plans.

  4. GirlAnon says:

    Hey,

    I really empathise with you as this week, my eyes are still reacting to an allergy (it’s been a month I’ve nowhad to go make-up less and it looks like yet another) and my lip has exploded with cold sores making me look more Leslie Ash than… well. Leslie Ash.

    So as much as people say appearance doesn’t matter, and as much as moving forward from an eating disorder is about looking inward, if you mind then it matters. It isn’t vain or conceted to care about your face/teeth (or whatever else it happens to be) – it’s normal and it’s okay.

    It may be a good idea to try and see someone before you go, to allay your fears as best you can, or to see if it is possible to liaise with a dentist abroad prior to you setting off. Try and put the safety nets in place, if at all possible.

    Also, has your dentist discussed what they could do in the worst case scenario? Would they be able to replace your tooth with a false implant or something like this? It sounds like as much knowledge and as little uncertainty as possible might help you to manage your difficult situation better.

    Wishing you well always x