I have taken – and been taken in – a lot of photos this holiday.
This is new for me.
I don’t have many images to remind me of the past 20 years, either because they were barren of experience, or because the thought of being photographed was obscene.
I pondered over writing this post, but I’m going to get it off my chest….
When the border control looked at my passport photo, he recoiled and did a double take.
I am not great with photographs. It has been two years since I last threw up, but my glands are still slightly swollen. In the real world, they are harder to notice; but in photos, they are the first thing that I see. In my passport photo, they are all that there is to see.
There is nothing I can do to change this.
And so, I have snapped my way around New York because I want to keep the images imprinted in my mind, even if it is still quite hard to look at the photos –
And because the longer I avoid seeing myself, the more I affirm the need for avoidance; and I want to start getting used to accepting me.
Tags: Body Image, self-acceptance
I struggle with photos too. I can’t remember the last time I willingly posed for a picture, let alone seen one of myself and not recoiled in horror that I don’t look like how I feel. The irony is, my boyfriend loves taking pictures of people – his hobby is photography when he gets the chance. He takes beautiful and flattering (generally erotic) pictures and yet I can’t bear the thought of me being in them.
I hope that one day in the not too distant future this is something I can start to move to change. I want to be in the pictures if I ever get married or have children. I want to be part of it all, and I guess it’s another case of participating in life and risking being judged by others – and not bothering if they do.
Hi Melissa, I find your blog posts very inspiring especially how you quit bulimia completely. I have been suffering from AN and Bulimia for the last 6 years and have been in and out of recovery. My eating habits have improved though my bulimia habits are still very strong. I was wondering if you could share any tips on how you just quite bulimia cold turkey? Everytime I tell myself that this b/p is going to be the LAST, but it never is.
Thanks.