Snapped. Happy.

I have taken – and been taken in – a lot of photos this holiday.

This is new for me.

I don’t have many images to remind me of the past 20 years, either because they were barren of experience, or because the thought of being photographed was obscene.

I pondered over writing this post, but I’m going to get it off my chest….

When the border control looked at my passport photo, he recoiled and did a double take.

I am not great with photographs. It has been two years since I last threw up, but my glands are still slightly swollen. In the real world, they are harder to notice; but in photos, they are the first thing that I see. In my passport photo, they are all that there is to see.

There is nothing I can do to change this.

And so, I have snapped my way around New York because I want to keep the images imprinted in my mind, even if it is still quite hard to look at the photos –

And because the longer I avoid seeing myself, the more I affirm the need for avoidance; and I want to start getting used to accepting me.

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2 Responses to “Snapped. Happy.”

  1. GirlAnon says:

    I struggle with photos too. I can’t remember the last time I willingly posed for a picture, let alone seen one of myself and not recoiled in horror that I don’t look like how I feel. The irony is, my boyfriend loves taking pictures of people – his hobby is photography when he gets the chance. He takes beautiful and flattering (generally erotic) pictures and yet I can’t bear the thought of me being in them.

    I hope that one day in the not too distant future this is something I can start to move to change. I want to be in the pictures if I ever get married or have children. I want to be part of it all, and I guess it’s another case of participating in life and risking being judged by others – and not bothering if they do.

  2. LH says:

    Hi Melissa, I find your blog posts very inspiring especially how you quit bulimia completely. I have been suffering from AN and Bulimia for the last 6 years and have been in and out of recovery. My eating habits have improved though my bulimia habits are still very strong. I was wondering if you could share any tips on how you just quite bulimia cold turkey? Everytime I tell myself that this b/p is going to be the LAST, but it never is. :(

    Thanks. :)