Fighting Back

I was listening to Nirvana in the shower and I finally accessed the little spark of anger that has been deadened by the shock of the past week–

I refuse to let this thing beat me.

I am not going down without a fight.

Yesterday, I cut a friend short because I was too pre-occupied with food. This is not me anymore. I went out, and yet kept most of myself back. I saw, and ignored, the golden red autumnal leaves that would have taken my breath away had it not already been stolen –

And I refuse to undo all the work I have done over the past few years.

I refuse to go back into a world that is distorted and dulled by food, and shame, and guilt; heavy with things that cannot be said and bled dry by the energy consumed with should I shouldn’t I thinking.

No.

There is no way I am going to be sucked back into this.

And so, I am going to follow my brother’s advice and draw a line under the past week; because a line lets me reflect on what happened – but it also gives me the space I need to move on.

And I am going to keep reaching out, even though there’s a huge temptation to hide; because an eating disorder is a mighty contender, and I will fight it with all the tools and support that I can find.

I am going to accept the help that has been generously offered; and resurrect a few of the boundaries that the eating disorder has trampled over; and shore up the foundations that it has been giving a brutal shake –

Because I have far too much to live for –

And I am not going down without a fight.

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8 Responses to “Fighting Back”

  1. James says:

    Listening to Nirvana always helps me out and reaffirms that spark for me as well. :)

    Taking stock, drawing a line under things, shoring yourself up and moving forward with resolve is the right thing to do. There is so much to live for beyond the dull drain of eating disorders and you’ve got the spirit and fight to get on.

    Positive, progressive and inspiring stuff, Issa. Keep on and take care. :) x

  2. Afterglow05 says:

    You’ve been here. You wwhat the pattern looks like and you’re taking back the control. ED will NOT get it this time. You have done sooo much over these pst few years and you DESERVE to be happy.

    It is all too easy to hide, especially when most(at least for me) of your support is found throgh cyberspace. Know that we don’t judge – just as you don’t for us.

    Your brother is right. It happened. Draw that line in the sand – ending last week but don’t forget it. Keep digging and trying to figure out what happened to bring it up again.

    Thinking of you!

  3. Mikaela says:

    Sooo proud of you hun! I love the idea of drawing a line. I think I’ll do that for my last week too. I have nothing but the upmost faith in you. I KNOW you CAN do it, and I’m sooooo happy and proud of you that you know it too! I’m always here for you if you need me. Keep it up girl! You’re doing great!! <3 <3 <3 :)

  4. Julie Parker says:

    Good for you! I can feel and see with these words that you totally mean business. Yes to fighting back and eventually being in a space where you don’t need to fight anymore. xo

  5. Evan says:

    Good for you. Anger can be our ally – it has great energy. It’s especially useful in getting us on the road to new things I think. Congratulations!

  6. I love your fighting spirit!

  7. *hugs*

    You are brave.

  8. girlundiscovered says:

    I’ve taken a leaf out of your fighting manual and I forced myself to the ED support group in my area.

    I went in feeling a bundle of nerves and came out of it feeling like I was at the very least understood.