Wallowing. And flat hunting.

I have been flat hunting this weekend.

It has sapped my energy leaving me deflated and overwhelmed.

It’s not the 100 people that are vying for each room that’s got me worried; it’s the revival of a few deep seated insecurities and the sense that I am floundering out of my depth. Yet again. I have caught up, in some respects, but scratch the surface and there is a great big hole –

I do not have the basics. About flat hunting, or relationships, or any of the other things that you would expect for someone at this stage in their life. Oh yes, and I am also paralysed by indecision and not quite able, despite a disproportionate self awareness, to rely on my instincts or properly trust my self.

Oh dear.

And now I’m wallowing.

Kind of. I am kind of wallowing, but I’m also fighting the daily realisation that I am, in many ways, still catching up with the stuff that I missed. That the eating disorder managed to disrupt the growing up process so dramatically that there are a few major holes in what I do and don’t know about life. They can be patched up, to some extent, by the advice of others and because the recovery is speedier than the dissent –

But every time I’m asked what I’ve been doing for the past few years, I have to mutter and stutter over my past. And, each time I’m asked about where I’ve lived before and where my friends are based, I have to skirt around the edges and re-frame the story, because it probably wouldn’t go down that well –

I’ve no idea about contracts, or landlords, or how it feels to live with other people (because that took second place to everything else that went on); and I miss the obvious points and the expected questions (because I should have learned them years ago, at the same time as everyone else). Or so it feels.

So it feels.

But then the feeling has been warped by the little voice that’s running riot at the moment and the fear that has got me winded –

I was asked today why I didn’t just live on my own, why I didn’t find somewhere comfortable in a safe area that I could make mine. I surprised myself with the answer: I do not want to miss out on another experience because I am paralysed by my own fears.

I have trapped myself in the past.

And so, tomorrow, I will start again. I have been armed with some expert advice from Miss Lola (thank you), and will take a deep breath and dive back in. The search might be tiring – but I will learn at every step on the way. The first place might not work out – but it will teach me something that I didn’t already know…

And after everything that’s come before, I guess that this too will be okay.

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3 Responses to “Wallowing. And flat hunting.”

  1. Evan says:

    I know how difficult and tiring looking for a place can be. My partner and I slept on a friend’s floor for four months while looking for a rental – in another city than the one I’m in now.

    Moving beyond the trap is such a huge step forward. Congratulations.

  2. I think flat hunting is difficult at the best of times, let alone with all you’ve contended with, fought with and beaten, don’t forget.

    I’ve moved about seven times over the last 6 years, mainly due to university. Sometimes, you luck out and get on with the people you live with. You might, in a very lucky few cases, make a good friend or two.

    For the most part, I’ve found I just get on with the people I live with okay. I wouldn’t count them as good friends, but I wouldn’t discount them as merely aquaintences. I guess that’s to say it’s unlikely you’ll find a perfect set of flatmates, so to watch out for perfectionist tendencies creeping in as it’s easy to daydream about the pefect or ideal set-up and be disappointed.

    I guess the other thing is to have a bit of a think about what questions might come up. Things like:

    What do you do for a living? What have you been doing the past few years? What do you like to do? Do you go out a lot? Do your friends/family live near here? What attracted you to our flatshare?

    And then decide what you’re prepared to say at this point. All they’ll really want is a feel for you, so be you (or as much you as you feel like disclosing at this point). It’s likely the flatmates will pick you, as opposed to you picking them, if there are so many candidates.

    And try for a 3/6 month contract if possible to see how you get on. :-)

  3. Melissa says:

    Thanks for commenting guys.

    Evan – you reminded me that I am now dealing with ‘normal’ challenges rather than eating disordered ones, which really helps. Sometimes I slip into the trap of assuming that I am either ill-equipped to manage or just late to life, when actually some stuff is just quite hard. :)

    girlundiscovered – you know me so well! The moment I stopped looking for the perfect flatmate, as you described, the whole process felt a lot lighter. This is great advice and it’s really helped me re-frame how I go about it so a huge huge thank you – will keep you updated! xx