Waiting for a gap in the rain…

I have spent another weekend carting around suitcases. I am packed. Again. And now I’m waiting for a gap in the rain. The waiting is making my eyes heavy, though this may be because I’ve spent most of the weekend asleep. Sleeping. Sorting. Packing. Unpacking. Sleeping again. It has been a waste. I have not spoken to the people I wanted to speak to, nor done the things I wanted to do. Instead, I have been going round in circles. About my trip to America. About my move. About food. About food. This is a sore point. When life stuff kicks in, I behave like an Ostrich and bury my head in food.

And so, instead of deciding what I will do when I hit the Big Apple, or working out how I will get myself to and from airports and practical things like that, I have spent a considerable amount of time deciding – and redeciding – what I will eat over the weekend.

And, rather than packing my flat into boxes, as would be sensible when it needs to be rented out, I have tied myself in knots around the best time to fit in a decent swim, because I should be making the most of being near my gym again, and swimming has always been a weekend thing.

I have sketched out my meals for the week (because that’s easier than outlining the things that I actually have to do) –

And worried about whether I am eating too much or too little at the moment (because it distracts me from the growing panic) –

But I haven’t really got anything proper done.

Nope, when life gets a bit rocky, I crawl back into a shell and obsess about food.

And so now, it’s Sunday afternoon, and I have adhered to my food plan and made it to the pool and back – but the things that were important remain undone, and I am at the top of a spiralling trap. In avoiding one set of anxieties I have re-awakened another; and the other has left the first set growing bigger, making it even more tempting to run.

Oh dear.

At least I can see what has happened.

At least this will stop me repeating the same mistake again….

I hope.

  • Share/Bookmark

2 Responses to “Waiting for a gap in the rain…”

  1. James says:

    Because I can’t offer to be your manservant bagpacker and help you get a break all I can offer is cyberhugs I’m afraid. :S

    Eating disorders are stubborn buggers and when you’re stressed and lonely they’re always going to have a dig and try and see if they can snake in and wrestle some control BUT – before I end up sounding too bleak – situations can change, life goes on and you are aware and strong.

    The down moments will come and sometimes it feels like you don’t get a break – consequently, you just can end up caught up in doubts, anxiety and flooding feelings of being overwhelmed. But – dragging out the metaphor! – the gaps in the rain do come!

    Good things and sunshine (OK, I’ll stop with the weather imagery now :) ) are on the way and you’ve got hope and the strength to see it through. Loneliness and stress can test you so just make sure that you remember what you’re living for and that you can reach out when you feel really under it. If you want someone to pack your bags for the Big Apple (and stowaway in them), just give me a call. ;)

  2. GirlAnon says:

    Sounds like it’s been a tough weekend.

    How I read this was all to do with the feeling of being unsettled – not at home. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, and I’m finding the feelings (lost, confused, angry, abandoned) are similar either way.

    I’ve had a wierd weekend too, where my notion of ‘home’ was tested (read: I drank wayyyyy too much and my genuine feelings surfaced resulting in my crying on my Dad’s shoulder asking to go home – to my boyfriend.). It’s left me… unnerved, vulnerable and a little shocked… that home is, quite literally, where my heart is.

    On the one hand, I felt like I was abandonning my family, throwing their love back at them and generally being a bad daughter. On the other, it felt good to know that they – and their dysfunctions as well as good bits – aren’t my home. I have something and someone else and a family I’ve created for myself, as such. I’ve moved forward and am becoming an adult, even though I don’t always feel like it.

    So for you, grabbing onto the familiar, might be your way of feeling grounded and as if you have a place and purpose in a time of change. But your recognising it and still going ahead with the scary change is you becoming the adult you are meant to be. A wonderful, amazing and adventurous young woman who is a pleasure to tweet with, support and be supported by – even via the web!

    P.S. Have a cosmo SATC-style for me in NYC!!!