I got home last night and scrawled three words on the back of an envelope. They said: “I am okay”.
The inspiration that I have been waiting for has stalled and is yet to catch up with me. Any insights that might prompt a blog post are suspended, somewhere, far above me; so, for the moment, all I can say is, “I am okay”.
I think this is enough.
I think, in fact, that it’s more than enough. It is a giant breakthrough in the light of my previous aversion to the flatness of okay-being, and a million miles away from the terror I felt a few weeks ago. It is also totally alien to how I typically am –
I have absolutely no idea what I am thinking and haven’t yet found the time to analyse everything that’s going on. I’m sure that will come…
But, for the moment, I’m getting up as the sun begins to rise and getting used to the hum of planes flying across from Heathrow. I am smiling on the way to my Putney Bridge bus stop, because the river makes me excited and I like feeling part of the trainer-clad suit-wearing crowd. I have found that I can actually eat breakfast when I arrive at work which is something I never thought I’d be able to do; and that it is okay to stray away from my old morning routine.
It is okay to not live by a routine.
And so, I am coming back into London as the commuters go out; and the drawn out bus ride is one of my favourite half hours, because it gives me time for Twitter and it helps me to wind down. I have gone ‘home’, on some days; and, on others, I have found myself haphazardly wandering through the tree-lined side streets and noticing things that I didn’t notice when I was here before, even though some of the areas between now – and then – overlap –
This is okay, too. I am not who I was then.
I am not who I was then – because I have been able to eat supper with friends, without worrying what’s on my plate whilst the conversation fizzles out around me; and, I have let my Aunt cook me supper, and found that I can manage okay. I have come home at 7 on some nights – and at 10:30 on others – and, regardless of the time, or situation, or how I am feeling, I have ultimately been okay –
This has been the fear. That I will not manage. That I will not be okay.
I might be a little lost for words at the moment, but I think that I’m doing okay.