Alright with being okay (the bit I forgot to mention)

When I was 17, I nearly got well. After the initial plummet and once I’d got over the shock of treatment, I started, gradually, to build myself up again. I gained a bit of weight. I experimented with clothes. I had moments when life seemed a lot brighter. I flirted and giggled and did normal teenagery type things. The eating disorder remained – just not as much as before.

I’m not sure why and I can’t work out what happened; but, at some point, I got scared about being okay. I worried that I’d be nothing if I was ‘normal”, that I was letting myself go because I was letting myself enjoy life.

And so, I put the brakes down. Hard. I re-erected the walls and re-instated the rules. It was not okay to be okay.

We know what happened.

I ended my last post before I reached the end. The moment of insight that had been eluding me has finally clicked into place. This re-animation is the same as I felt at 17 – only this time I’m not afraid of it. It is alright to be okay.

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4 Responses to “Alright with being okay (the bit I forgot to mention)”

  1. What a lovely couple of posts!

    I was starting to worry myself, as I’ve not been ‘clinging’ to the hope other people’s blogs had been giving me, I’ve not been studying the ins and outs of EDs quite so often…

    And I’m wondering – as the snacking subsides, and the emotional attachments to food start to lose a little pull – if I’m on the way to Being Okay too.

    :-)

  2. Melissa says:

    Thank you and I really hope so! I’m not sure why I was so resistant to “being okay” but I’m trying hard to just go with it and see it as the positive, liberating experience which it is. :)

  3. Evan says:

    Hi Melissa, I’ve seen this happen in myself and others (in my case not about eating).

    I have an idea that it may be because we didn’t have something else to replace the troublesome thing we were doing – that we were left facing a scary blank. I’d be interested if this makes sense to you. What d’ya reckon?

  4. Melissa says:

    Hi Ewan,

    Yep – definitely an element of their being a scary void but I think also for me, that I was so negative about who I was that I would rather be identified with an eating disorder than as myself, if that makes sense. That there was a choice between not being okay and being nothing – and it is only now that I’ve found a third way. I can’t explain it very well…seems to be a feeling rather than a thought…

    I’m glad it makes sense though! And thanks for commenting. xx