When I Stop Wobbling…

I whinged on Twitter all weekend. After a fortnight of heady excitement followed by a colossal nosedive, I think I might have been driving my poor followers mad. I got myself stuck in a bit of a vicious circle: feel bad – complain about feeling bad – feel bad about complaining that I feel bad – feel even worse – complain about feeling even worse…. and so it went on.

The truth is, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed; and, because I’m overwhelmed, I’ve been temporarily blinded by a kind of white blanket of fear. It has seeped everywhere. In the cracks between waking and sleeping; when I step through the door after being out with friends; in the moments when I am waiting for the kettle to boil…

It all just feels like I’m very much on my own. Like the scaffolding’s been ripped away and it’s taking me a while to work out whether I’m strong enough to remain standing –

I am.

But I have had to ground myself and I am handling myself with a bit of care.

In the past few days, I have given and received more virtual hugs than I care to mention. It has been important to remember that there are other people out there. I have spoken to my closest friends and seen my family, and reminded myself that the world – and our relationships – will still go on.

I have cried, which is a far more appropriate way of handling the emotions than my previous strategies; and acknowledged the uncertainty, which is better than trying desperately to predict the outcome; and got a little (lot) frustrated (again) with my ongoing battles with control and change.

In an attempt to yank myself out of the spiralling analyses, I have thrown myself into mini projects like baking – and flat sorting – and planning some exciting activities. I have swum, and walked, and danced (badly); and appreciated that an evening slumped in front of the TV with no expectations might be just what the doctor would recommend. I have made some very overdue phone calls, and read through the headlines, and tried to shift the focus from me me me – to what’s going on with other people instead.

It has kind of worked.

I have not binged, though the thought has crossed my mind. I have not listened to the little voice that has been particularly abusive over the past few days, though it’s operating at full volume. I have dismissed, pretty quickly, the suggestion of maybe just cutting back a teeny weeny bit on what I eat –

No.

This is all good learning.

I’m still feeling a little bit wobbly, but I think that, after the wobbliness, I might start to find my roots.

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3 Responses to “When I Stop Wobbling…”

  1. James says:

    Good for you Melissa. Doubts are inevitably going to creep in but you did the right thing – reached out to people and threw yourself into proactive stuff instead of letting it keep on nagging and nagging and nagging at you.

    The ‘feel crap’ feeling is selfish and wants to consume everything. Anything you do to get away from that (you call it ‘me me me’ but really it’s not you, it’s ‘the inner demon’) whether it being talking, engaging in cyber-hugging, dancing, watching movies, reading, writing or whatever it is, if it stops you going round-and-round in the little voices wheel of woe then it’s good.

    You are still standing and have got the resolve and wisdom. :)

  2. I love this post.. I have been going through something similar myself. I have been overwhelmed and NOT taking care of myself. Not a good combo.
    Just today I realized that I have to keep doing some of those little things that support me in my recovery. The little things that made such a difference when I first started doing them. Like self care, like slowing down when I get going so fast that I feel scared again.
    Reading this post today was timely for me; the perfect reminder.
    Thank you !
    Hugs, Darlene

  3. Melissa says:

    Thanks guys – I had a sudden ‘wish I hadn’t published myself’ moment which just reinforces how important it is to keep challenging the negativity and grounding myself with connections and openness.

    James – you’re totally right; one of my closest recovered friends refers to the ‘inner demon’ and I think mine has been growing over the past few days….which means I keep going forward because I’ll learn each time I challenge a fear.

    Darlene – I’m glad it helped and I think you’re spot on with the self care. Have tried to ease off myself and do lots of feel good things, because it seems to change the messages going in. Hope that you’re okay and thinking of you. xx