I’m starting a new blog section. It’s going to be on the stuff I’m learning about life. It will be exactly the same as other sites about the stuff people learn about life (though maybe not quite so eloquent and without cool pictures) because there are some lessons we each have to learn. I’m starting a little late and I tend to forget things, so I figure this will keep my eye on the ball…
I am a little embarrassed by how basic some of it all sounds – but then I’ve always been better with theory and academia then I have with life. Hopefully this will tip the balance. If it’s down in black and white, it might also stick around a bit longer in my head.
It feels, as well, like an extension of my recovery; as though I can apply the principles I used to explore my relationship with food to understand my relationship with life. Or something. Anyway, today’s lesson has been….
One Vs The One.
At the moment, I’m looking for a flatshare. As the need to move creeps nearer, I’ve become increasingly ostrich-like about my efforts to find somewhere to live. I’m worried about sharing with other people, not that hot about packing my flat into boxes, don’t handle uncertainty well at the best of times…
On Monday night, I found “the one”. After two disappointing viewings last week, I visited a beautiful house on a tree-lined avenue, minutes away from the tube, and with three people that I quite easily spent the evening with. The sun appeared, birds started singing, the worries evaporated…and it was all going to be just fine –
Until a friend of one of the housemates needed the room.
Shit happens.
I belly-flopped.
Within the space of 48 hours, I’d pinned all my hopes on one house; written off every other property and flatmate in London; and dreamt up a whole new lifestyle based on somewhere I’d been once. Oh yes, and somehow managed to link my success as a person to whether or not the flatshare came through.
Huh?
This pinning thing is something I keep doing at the moment. Be it a job or a house or a boy or a new opportunity, I narrow my vision to such an extent that suddenly my world is rotating on a single point – and, typically, one over which I have little control.
It is most unsettling and something that I really need to stop.
They can be snapped like that.
My lesson number one is therefore about not putting all my metaphorical eggs in one metaphorical basket, or clinging, limpet-like, onto the first rose-tinted solution that comes along. There will be other flats and other people and other opportunities: I have just got confused between one and “the one”.
There are lots of ones.
And, as a brief reminder, they are totally separate from and non-defining of me.
Hi, this is is first time I have posted a reply. I have read a lot of your posts and I find myself intrigued by your journey of recovery. I too have suffered from an eating disorder-anorexia for many years and right now I’m just beginning my road to recovery, so this is where my story begins. Everything that I have read so far I can totally relate to, its like I’m reading my own words, your blogs have been a real comfort to me and have provided me with the courage to seek help and face my fears.
One vs the one is a great post and reminded me how too often I find an association between myself and some completely random event that has gone wrong or badly and somehow twist the situation to justify the negative thoughts I have of myself.
It sounds like an ace idea Issa. The little things may seem trivial but nothing is unimportant. Nothing the little changes, fresh experiences and life lessons helps you get perspective and appreciate recovery and your achievements.
On the other hand, it is important to remember that each ‘failure’ or disappointment isn’t a disaster. There’s a wider picture and they don’t define you. Thanks for the positive reminder, and here’s to discovering more and enjoying life.
Thanks so much for commenting Ems1652. It has been amazing for me too to start reading other people’s experiences and suddenly realise that I might not have been quite alone as I thought I was…and that recovery happens.
I guess the negative thought patterns and association thing gains more power as it becomes more ingrained, so hopefully starting to be aware of it means it will be easier to challenge. Or that’s what I’m hoping will happen!
Best of luck on your journey. xx
James –
Ack. That pesky thing called perspective. Again. And that other thing about definition….
You’re right – noticing it is the first step. Before, I would just have just played straight into the emotion, but now it feels like I’m understanding how I work and getting a bit more robust with it all.
Slowly.