Letting go of the edge

I have a desktop of half-finished blog posts. They are driving me insane. I am not sure that they will ever be completed because at the moment I seem to be in a state of constant change. Things are moving so quickly that each post is elbowed aside mid-flow, and I rarely reach a clear conclusion before the next thing comes along. It is quite disorientating.

Since leaving my job – and setting my eyes on a new direction – and going through a pretty major hormonal shift, I also seem to have entered a new phase in my recovery/life. It is called letting go of the edge. If the first stage was the physical recovery; and the next stage, about addressing the emotional context; then I have now taken off the training wheels and pressed the start button on life. Given that I pressed pause at 12, it has been pretty scary. It has also been amazing. So unspeakably amazing that I can’t find the words to express what it is like.

I guess the difference between where I am and where I was a few months ago is in the level of feeling. Okay, I haven’t got the emotional regulation quite figured out yet, and I am still ricocheting between the highs and lows like a teenager; but I have let down the defences and gone with the unpredictability of life, rather than trying to keep it all ordered and boxed in. I don’t think I felt safe enough in myself to do this until now. I certainly still had a lot of crutches and support structures in place to make sure that I was okay.

I am okay.

Wobbling like hell and falling over multiple times on a daily basis; but, ultimately, I’m okay.

There have been some hard lessons in amongst the amazingness. I guess that this is why I think I needed to make sure that I was safe; that I didn’t respond in the way I would have previously, and play it out through food. I have learnt that there are lots of things that you can’t control and more variables than I could have imagined. That there are more disappointments when you engage in life and certainly more risks. That uncertainty is inherent, and fear doesn’t go away.

This is all okay too.

It is just the stuff that I would have learnt if I hadn’t removed myself from the world. I have no doubt that there are plenty more highs and lows and lessons to come –

Unexpectedly, I find it kind of exciting.

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2 Responses to “Letting go of the edge”

  1. I like the way that you write ~ expressing yourself so honestly. I love how you wrote “I am okay. Wobbling like hell and falling over multiple times on a daily basis; but, ultimately, I’m okay.”

    I have discovered over the years that it IS OKAY to be wobbly. In fact, letting myself~accpeting myself wobbly is a freedom!

    Thanks for your blog Melissa,

  2. Evan says:

    Hi Melissa, it sounds like you are doing huge things. Congratulations.