I haven’t written much this week because I’ve been incredibly tired. My body doesn’t quite feel like my body at the moment; and, whilst I’m delighted that it’s clearly recovering, the whole hormonal re-start has caught me left wing. It has been a little scary, to be honest, which sounds pathetic now that I’m 30, rather than 13.
I worried, after my first post, that I’d been blasé about the whole experience. That, had it happened to a previous me, I would have been upset, rather than elated. I can’t quite put my finger on what the upset would have been about now. Maybe something around feeling like I was “normal”; about it being a sign that I was no longer noticeably thin? I can’t re-create the precise feeling but I know that, for many years, I was terrified of my periods re-starting. A strange mixture of fear and disappointment and failure…or something. Certainly not the relief that I feel now.
I understand those feelings – but life moves on.
Something seems to have changed and I feel like I have been given a second chance.
I also feel like I have been dragged backwards through a cyclone.
I have been on an emotional rollercoaster over the past week. Up one minute, down the next, hungry all the time. Now, it all makes sense; a few days ago, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. The hunger has, inevitably, been the hardest part for me to handle. On Saturday, I thought that I was heading, for the first time in two years, for something resembling a binge.
I think it was just things beginning to wake up again. I am resisting the urge to dig my heels in and fight my body.
And so, I am trying to not be afraid of feeling and not worry about the loss of control. I am taking this whole experience, instead, as the next stage in my recovery, and part of learning about how to feel physically, now that I’ve started to get to grips with the things that are going on in my head. I’m also taking it as a sign that it’s okay that my body is changing and it’s okay for me to move on.
p.s. I um-ed and ah-ed about writing these posts because I wasn’t sure where my (or other people’s, if I’m honest) boundaries were in relation to ‘this kind of thing’. In the end, I decided that this has been a hugely important topic for me, and one that might have resonance for other people in a similar position. I’ve felt horribly alone – both in not having my periods and in them re-starting – and I hope that I haven’t crossed the line, but I wanted to share both the change in perspective and, maybe, some hope.