Getting Okay With Food

I had semi-skimmed milk on my cereal this morning. It is little steps like these that remind me of how far I have come. I brought some, over the weekend, for a friend that came to stay; and, rather than insisting that they take it with them or knocking on my neighbour’s door, as I’ve done in the past, I decided to get over it and drink it, instead.

I think I am beginning to relax around food.

I have got around the difficulty of de-programming the nutritional values by trying lots of different foods instead; and, slowly, I am learning that it is alright not to know. Each time I try something untried and the world does not come tumbling down, nor I turn into a giant pumpkin, I get a little bit more proof that food is okay. On occasion, I can admit that it is quite nice.

I have also, as the semi-skimmed milk demonstrates, started writing over the anorexic voice. It is a direct challenge to 18 years of insistence on the lowest possible denominator and a million miles away from the guilt and fear that a previous me would have felt. There is a little friction in the change of direction; but, ultimately, it feels kind of okay.

I am not quite sure how I reached this point.

I guess it has been a slow process of learning to re-trust food and gaining enough evidence to dispute and disprove the beliefs that I have previously lived by. Unfortunately, the only way to get here has been through, rather than around. To face the fear and the discomfort head on, and eat over the negative chatter, however loud it shrieks. It eases, I think. It becomes an itch, rather than a crippling pain, or it has for me, anyway.

One step at a time. It has been important to go slow.

It has also been important not to freak out that I am getting okay with food. I am trying to remind myself that this is cause for celebration, and not a reason to screech the brakes. That it does not mean I am “out of control” or “failing” or any one of the 100 negative charges that I previously would have filed….

No. It just means that I’m starting to win.

Tags: ,

  • Share/Bookmark

3 Responses to “Getting Okay With Food”

  1. GirlAnon says:

    This is a really inspiring post :-)

    I am currently having to actually do the work that my counsellor and myriad books I’ve read suggest – and am learning what this ‘work’ is. It’s like you say – confronting, challenging and disproving the critical and judging voices in my head; giving the positive voices space to shout – and filling in for them when I find it hard.

    It’s exhausting. It feels like it’s never going to get easier. But I am trusting that these are just feelings – and they pass. People have done this before and will do it after me.

    It will happen – like it is happening for you :-)

  2. Evan says:

    Congratulations! It sounds like those little steps are adding up.

  3. Melissa says:

    It’s amazing how big the little things feel…and I do think they get easier, though it’s hard to believe it when you’re enmeshed in the situation. I certainly couldn’t have imagined it. xx