All Change?

I have gotten myself in a state over the past few days. My six weeks off miraculously accelerated in the last quarter, and I found myself going round in circles – and then burying my head in the sand. Because fear has this terrible habit of growing, the more you give into it, I nearly forgot that I was excited before I got scared. And, because I’ve been concentrating on all the momentous things that I haven’t achieved in the past month, I’ve overlooked the million smaller things that have shifted, and sparkled, and probably had a much greater impact on where I currently am…

So this is a reminder.

This is a reminder that, before I got lost under the panic, and before I started resisting the changes, which is always a recipe for disaster, I was so excited I could barely breathe. It is also a reminder that when I focus on the things I haven’t done in the past few months, I lose sight of how many great things I have notched up along the way.

The great things I have notched up along the way.

Six weeks ago, I was full of grand planning. There were visions of spontaneous holidays; mountains; a whole new blog; sea swimming…maybe even a night in a tent. They didn’t happen. None of them. And, while I have been listing all the things I should have done, I have overlooked some of the great things that have happened…

Like trips to the theatre and walking around London feeling that I was seeing everything through new eyes. Meals out with friends and afternoons spent crying over Maggie O’Farrell on the sofa. Zumba classes on Monday mornings that taught me how to swing my hips and made me smile. Spontaneous evenings out with new cocktails and new people, followed by lazy Sunday mornings and the unfamiliar sense of not rushing life along. My first period and a flicker of romance and the very overdue sense of enjoying being a woman. My two year binge-free anniversary. Watching films and drawn out cups of coffee and hours spent on Twitter just having fun.

Just having fun.

Before I got scared.

Fear deadens excitement. You get tangled up in it. Before I got tangled up, I was excited. Really excited. I forgot that until today.

I forgot that it was incredibly liberating to be following my heart and listening to my gut, rather than my head. That I was breathless excited about throwing myself down a new career path and seeing what I would learn along the way; about following a passion, rather than just going along with whatever cropped up. I was smile-when-I-talk eager and sleepless-night-looking-forward to moving down to London, and living the life that I skipped all those years ago. I was full of energy when I thought about the future, and full of optimism about where I might take my life.

Full of optimism.

I still am.

I’d just forgotten that I made the choice –

And overlooked that it’s not all change. Some things will still be the same.

Getting grounded.

I was going to write myself a post for a few weeks time, for if I was feeling shaky and needed a little pick-me-up. I don’t want to pre-empt this need though, so I’m going to leave this reminder here, instead, in case I wobble.

There are lots of things changing at the moment, but there are also things that will stay the same. Lots of variables that I have no control over; but some constants that I can hold on to, if I start to lose my way.

Like myself. I am still me.

And my friends. Who are still them.

And the many many lessons I’ve learnt over the past year, that won’t just disappear because the context changes, but will continue to help me find my way.

There are things that I can do, regardless of where I am, that will mean that I am still me; like talk, and tweet, and go to Zumba, and read Emily Dickinson in the bath, and spend obscene amounts of time chatting nonsense on the phone, and write, and learn, and watch Family Guy DVDs. And many more.

It will still be Autumn next month, and X-Factor will still draw me in, and the days will continue to get shorter, and I’ll probably still lie awake for hours at night –

Because though lots is changing, there’s also some stuff that will be the same.

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2 Responses to “All Change?”

  1. Claire says:

    I am glad you took the time to write this now and take stock before the next lot of excitement and scary change stuff kicks in!

    I am glad that you remembered the good stuff you did manage to do.

    I am glad you are still you

    I am basically just glad a lot! lol

    I really can’t wait to see what tiny hurdles or massive mountains you leap over next, big or small, they are ALL important.

  2. James says:

    Maybe the ’standing on the shoulders of giants’ idea fits right here – you are building on something that’s already brilliant overall getting to places that are even more brilliant. Going through transitions doesn’t mean you lose the good things – the changes you experience aren’t going to overhaul your personality and the person you are inside (you need some huge seismic upheavals to mess that up).

    Anyway, change is big and scary but it’s also exciting. It’s also really challenging but yet you’ve come through and carry on. If you think where you’ve come from you’ve definitely achieved. As Claire says, both the little and big things are all important.

    To break it down, things change and that’s a good thing. Some things never change and that’s a good thing. You’re still the same amazing Melissa and you’re on an exciting journey of discovery. Hopefully that makes some kind of sense. Probably not, so I’ll just leave with a “woo! Go Issa!”