A while ago, I wrote about my “am I still the same?” question. There is another old favourite whining around in my head at the moment. It’s the “are you angry with me?” one. I feel like a squeaky teenager who I’d like to give a good shake.
“Are you angry with me?” “What have I done?” “Don’t you like me anymore?”
I spent most of my teenage (and a fair few of my post-teenage) years asking various people this question. If they weren’t angry with me in the first place, it soon started to grate. You could hear it in the shortening answers and the exasperation.
I apologised as much as I asked whether I had annoyed. I might not have done anything in the first place, but I’d freely offer a “sorry” if it would make things better or smooth the awkwardness away. Sorry for what I said or didn’t say. Sorry for my actions or inactions. Sorry for not making things better. Sorry for being me.
I stopped asking the question – and apologising – about five years ago. After a while, “sorry” lost its meaning and people got tired of the incessant reassurance. I felt like a parasite, sapping their energy, so I swallowed the question instead, like bubble gum that stuck in my throat, and just tried to make up for whatever I’d done wrong.
Later, I started to learn that it wasn’t all about me, really; and that some times, the anger or dislike existed mostly in my own head.
I started to dissect the question yesterday, as it caught me off guard. It’s been whispering quite a lot lately. Not quite spoken, but sliding along the tip of my tongue. Say it. Ask them. I think it’s because I’m going through lots of changes and feeling a little uncertain so the need for reassurance has surfaced again.
I am not going to ask them because the more I break the pattern down, the more destructive it appears. The fear of anger and rejection is an obvious source of concern, but it’s the apologies afterwards that are so corrosive. The taking back of words – actions – thoughts – anything – the most damning reflection of who I am. Who I was.
Every time I took responsibility for something that didn’t belong to me, I bound myself in negativity and blame.
Every time I assumed that I was wrong – and said sorry – I think I undid a little bit of myself.
I’m not going to repeat the same mistake.
So, at the moment, I’m biting my tongue and answering my own question: “no, Melissa, you have not done anything wrong”. I am saving my sorrys for times when they are actually required, rather than because I can not tolerate another’s – or an imaginary – mood, or because I want to take the edge off the uncertainty.
It is hard, and uncomfortable, and quite unsettling – but it means I’m holding my own space, and strengthening, rather than negating, how it feels to just be me.
Tags: Identity, perception, self belief, Self Esteem, unravelling
Thank you for such a timely post.
I have a similar issue, which has developed over the past year or so, of asking my boyfriend questions. I’ll ask things like “do you love me as much as… the cat/chilli/Kylie (insert just about anything)?”. Or try and elicit him saying something nice about me by either getting upset/angry/moody when he is nice to others, or saying “i love you” to him repeatedly until I get it back. My other obsession is to get hung up on not making love enough… and then asking for it, complaining about it or generally making snide comments. Not attractive.
This makes me sound like a terrible girlfriend, and generally makes me feel like one. Understandably, this is irritating for my boyfriend and distinctly unattractive. I therefore end up picking up on this, and proving my own point by answering the unspoken question of “Am I loveable? Am I really wrthy of your love?” with the response that I am not good enough for him, I irritate him and he isn’t attracted to me.
In my rational mind, I can find lots of things that show me otherwise and can see that it is my insecurities about myself and my self-worth that drive me to this questioning, and indeed to believe that for me to be worthwhile as a person is tied so closely to someone’s love for me. I am aware it is unhealthy.
So, like you Melissa, I am trying to keep these questions in (perhaps writing about them in my diary instead if they are getting at me, because I know swallowing them down – with whatever food I can find – wouldn’t help). Asking them only serves to fuel my critic with the “I told you so! Look! He’s really cross now! Look what you do to him” kind of proof I just don’t need. It’s uncomfortable and annoying. All of me wants to beg for him to show me he loves me 24/7. But I know I need to find the love and self-confidence in myself if I wish to overcome this dependence on others.
Good luck with this one – I think it’s going to be a toughy for both of us, but I can see how great it would feel not to have these needs for approval in the long run!
Thanks for sharing this – I completely understand that vicious cycle and how hard it is to break out of. I think awareness if the first step; and then changing the tune; and hopefully that changes the message and a new conversation begins…
Or that’s the theory!