If you’re looking for fluffy hearts and romance, I’d stop here.

My eating disorder didn’t do sharing and it certainly didn’t have time for love.

It preferred sharp words to soft affection; advised arms length over intimate connection; and was characterised by coldness – and not warmth.

It did not encourage relationships (which might infringe on its control); or honesty (which could jeopardise its activity); or expectations (which only got in the way); and, it mitigated the risk with one, sharp, blow –

“…but no one would ever love you”

I did not disagree.

I wonder what would have happened if I’d argued the point or, at least, considered the evidence, before concurring so whole-heartedly to the notion that I was unloveable. I wonder whether I realised that such a simple statement could result in such loneliness; because, by default, anyone who fell for someone unloveable, was clearly equally flawed.

I wish I’d paused, before nodding in depressed submission, and explored a few of the inconsistencies and twisted motivations which might have given me a little leverage –

Like the fact that it had promised – when it all started – to make me “a better person,” and “more attractive,” and more worthy of love; which, by its own admission, was clearly a catastrophic disaster.

Or that, had a third person entered the relationship, then it might have been a little harder for my eating disorder to monopolise the time – and the energy – and the focus – that it takes to keep the whole torturous process ticking along….

Because, an eating disorder is scared of love and it is terrified of sharing.

It does not encourage relationships, which might offer an alternative perspective; or honesty, which could lead to change. It’s not into expectations, to which it has to be accountable; and is prepared to do anything to minimise the risk of competition.

It will deem you unloveable – and then reinforce the message with sharp words, and cold comforts, and a cunningly erected brick wall. Will play on your insecurities with false promises; encourage dependency with exaggerated threats; and pass the responsibility back to you with a supposed statement of fact –

“but no one would ever love you”

- which it has tried to make damn sure of.

Because, there are few things that counteracts the hostility – and the anger – and the pain – more effectively than kind words and compassion –

Little that is more threatening than the strength of a human connection –

And, nothing that destroys an eating disorder more quickly than starting to love yourself.

Nb. This post was originally published on Making Me Magazine in February 2010, but I’m re-adding it here as it has been on my mind a lot recently.

Tags: love

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