Trusting the process

A while ago, I wrote a post called Clinging on to the Past. It was a difficult post to write as I had to acknowledge that I might be holding onto my eating disorder; and also, because I couldn’t see how the situation would be resolved.

At the time, a comment was left suggesting that I would know when the time was right to move on. It was a comment that touched me deeply, and has stayed, therefore, alive in my head. I couldn’t see how the miraculous transformation would materialise – but the hope made me feel warm and that was almost enough.

I realised a few days ago that it has come true. That I am okay, now, about moving on and letting go. That despite my efforts to control and anticipate and analyse analyse analyse every step of my life, I have instinctively and naturally found myself reaching a place where it feels okay to loosen the grip. Where I am no longer being throttled by the eating disorder: it is present, as it may be for a while, but with far far less of a voice.

I don’t know how this happened. I can’t work out when the shift took place, nor pinpoint the precise moment.

It just has.

I wanted to write this post because there are moments like this in recovery. Instances where things seem to come together and all the hard work and uphill struggling really start to pay off. If you’d told me a few years ago that this was how recovery worked, I would have demanded a guidebook and wanted to control every step –

You can’t.

You’ve just got to trust that it will happen, which is almost the hardest bit.

So, this isn’t about waiting for recovery to happen and not trying, desperately, every day to do the things that will make it well. It’s just about trusting that the feelings do come, somehow; and that it does get easier, somehow – even though the “how” can rarely be said.

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5 Responses to “Trusting the process”

  1. girlundiscovered says:

    What a brilliant post.

    It made me think of a few things about my own “recovery” process.

    First, that I’m doing the right thing in trying to trust myself (that my efforts will eventually count, even when it feels like they don’t) and letting myself trust that the things I’m doing with my therapist will make sense and have some meaning as time goes on (especially the hard stuff).

    Also, it resonated with the psychosynthesis work I’ve been doing. It looks at the parts of our personality (our subpersonalities) and works on balancing them out. So for some people (read: me), their inner critic is very powerful – so powerful it can feel like who you are. But it’s just a part of you. For some, the eating disorder is itself a part. I never had that sense that it was a voice – almost another person.

    Recovery, from this view point, makes sense to me. It’s about strengthening other parts of us – the bits that are nice to us, brave, kind, funny etc. – to balance out and weaken the bits that are mean. There’s no sense of ‘getting rid of’ bits of us that are dark or we don’t like, because, as much as it sucks, the eating disorder bit is a bit of us. Once we’re more balanced, we have more choice and power over our lives.

    So yep. There is definitely hope out there for all of us – and it doesn’t have to feel unrealistic or unachievable, because it’s within our reach (even if we can’t yet see it).

  2. youshouldsee says:

    it gives me hope to know that this time will come. my struggle is with self harm, but i lok forward to the day when i truely feel ready to let go of my maladaptive coping mechanism.

  3. Lala says:

    How wonderful for you, and how encouraging!

  4. Melissa says:

    Girl Undiscovered – There is a huge amount of hope and it sounds like you’re doing some really important and difficult work. The thing that struck me recently was how hard it would be to communicate the recover process when I never believed anything anyone told me and also had this really unhelpful little voice whispering how “different” I was.

    I am just the same as everyone else…which means that I have just the same chance of recovering!

    Hang in there lovely! xx

  5. Melissa says:

    Youshouldsee – I’m sure it will come. Little steps in the right direction, right?! ;)

    Thank you Lala! Does feel good at the moment. Really good. (and it’s ok now to say that!)