As anyone who follows me on Twitter is aware, I’ve just baked my first batch of biscuits. As a blogger, rather than a baker, it’s only right that I should write about the experience; but I’m not quite sure where to start – baking seems to have been more about feeling and doing than thinking for me. This is a bit of a surprise, to be honest, especially as I’ve spent so long building up the activity in my head.
I’ve been talking about the fact that I want to try baking for months now. In fact, I’ve been talking about it so extensively that I received a load of baking related goodies for my birthday in March (aprons, gloves, cookbooks) and have had numerous invitations to “come round and we’ll cook”.
No.
Thank you.
Beneath the surface, I’m a bit scared of cooking and I don’t like touching food. I’m worried about buying things like butter – and sugar – and chocolate – as we’ve rather a messy history; and I’m not comfortable keeping “unsafe” food in the house. I still don’t really see the point of cooking or, for that matter, eating things like cakes and biscuits – and, yet, when I hear other people describing their culinary adventures or see them rock up to work with a biscuit tin to share, I feel kind of left out.
In other words, it’s been a point of personal contention.
Theoretically, I could go on with a life of non-baking and, should the biscuits taste abysmal, I quite possibly will…but it’s become another one of those lingering shadows that the eating disorder has left behind, and I don’t like feeling that it’s still in control.
So I’m pushing back. With a biscuit.
As I’m doing this whole ‘new things’ fortnight, baking is an obvious starting point. I spent all morning getting in a state about what recipe to follow and whether I should go low-cal or full fat, and was then rescued by some lovely twitter people (thanks @chaosandcontrol and @catatonickid) and went with their way. Damn it, I even added chocolate buttons, though I’m slightly expecting that to be the mistake…
It was fun. Mostly, because it felt like a shared activity; but also because it’s liberating overcoming a fear. My hands smell slightly buttery, but that’s part of the challenge; and I’ve made a deal with myself to eat some as well. It was satisfying seeing something come together from nothing; strangely pleasant to feel the crumbs start forming a dough; and the smell is subtle and comforting, rather than overwhelming and threatening….
In fact, I might well try it again.
Tags: cooking, Eating, Food, fortnight of fun
Great to hear you’ve done this. If you got something approximating food from your first attempt at baking I think you’ve done very well. Baking is tricky for me (not sure why).
Did you notice the scent of the flour? It’s the smell I love best in all the world.
Didn’t quite approximate food! Didn’t realise it was so hard…but am really glad I tried…and next time I try (have not been deterred yet!) – I’ll make sure I notice how it smells.