Second Chances

On Sunday, it will be two years since I last binged and two years since I last threw up.

When I stopped, it felt as though I was wrenching out my heart. Now, it feels like I unclamped it.

I do not miss it at all. It does not cross my mind, apart from when some small, unpleasant reminder, like a shattered tooth or an unexpected flashback, make an unexpected appearance – and these certainly don’t tempt me back.

The first year was about existing through the days and the evenings; this year, it’s been about life. I do not need the film subscriptions and elaborately planned meals and scheduled phone calls to distract me any more; in fact, I rarely have enough time.

Even in my wildest imagination, I did not think it could be like this…

And so, I’m celebrating the occasion – as I did last year, and will do next year – as my unofficial birthday or the date that I allowed myself to come back to life.

It is, inevitably, tinged with sadness and a strange dusting of betrayal, though I could not say who betrayed who –

It does not matter.

The point is that I have had a second chance and I am starting, finally, to feel alive.

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5 Responses to “Second Chances”

  1. Harriet says:

    I am so, so happy for you. This is a wonderful description of recovery–and of “real” life.

  2. Kushika says:

    I find it very inspiring that you have done so well, and that this is a wonderful achievement and that you recognise it as such.

    Well done, and I wish you all the best. ;)

  3. James says:

    Congratulations and happy anniversary! (it sounds bizarre in a way but it’s definitely something you should feel proud at reaching and you should celebrate or at least have a moment to feel achievement)

    It’s in the past and it belongs there. The fact that it is in the past – not in the now and not in the future – is definitely worth marking. Inspiring thoughts as ever – it’s good to be alive… :)

  4. Melissa says:

    It is a slightly bizarre birthday…and one that I never thought I’d be able to celebrate. Thanks for the comments – it’s always going to be a special day for me. ;)

  5. Jane says:

    congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!! definitely a day worth celebrating, never stop celebrating it for as you said it is the day your life began. i am proud of you, keep up the fantastic work.