Flashbacks

Sometimes I will do something little – like flip the lid off a glass bottle – and the ‘pop’ will send me catapulting back, again; to nights standing in the kitchen, screaming with frustration, because I’m desperate desperate desperate to binge.

And sometimes, when I have to go back to the places that it has dominated – like stations, and supermarkets, and hospital waiting rooms – then a smell or a sound can leave me winded, because it carries, still, the panic and chaos and ice cold despair.

Sometimes, an innocent action – like a friend adding an extra splash of oil – will trip the switch into the old ways of thinking; and my stomach will twist and my head close in and I won’t be able to what am I going to do don’t make me

Breathe.

And then again.

It is as impossible to run away from the flashes of memory as it is to run away from ourselves.

We can only notice them, from the safety of distance, and thank God that things are no longer the same.

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One Response to “Flashbacks”

  1. James says:

    My own flashback horror experience is walking past a pastry shop or kebab shop and getting that horrible whiff. Flash-thoughts of ‘Argh! Grease! Evil! Must find healthiness! The grease is going to attack my body and mind! How horrible that these people eat this junk!’ occasionally surface though not to the excessive degree that they did about 4 or 5 years ago.

    You’re right about being thankful that we can observe them and be grateful when things have changed. I observe moments like that and see them as arrogant, idiotic, melodramatic and judgemental.

    There are of course more flashback moments than that – especially around preparing food and shopping and stuff like that – but that is a particularly unpleasant one that rears its ugly head sometimes. Thanks for sharing and, yes, thank God (or whatever higher power you believe in) that thing are no longer the same.