I have been on a mission for the past few days. Been fired up and propelled forward on a burst of energy that has added a spark to my eyes and a new sense of purpose to my thoughts.
I think this is called ambition.
And I am trying not to be scared.
There is an element of want, I think, in ambition, that I instinctively shy away from. A subtle danger that I sensed, but could not articulate, before. There’s the potential, in the hope, for disappointment; and in the hunger, a desire that can overwhelm.
Which I could not allow.
So brakes down, feelings in, do not want and do not try – because the disappointment is not worth the effort and the failure will eat you from within. A million moons ago I put any ambition in a safety box where it couldn’t hurt me –
And now I have found that I hold the key.
And you know what? I’m not scared anymore. I’m not quite so afraid of wanting as I was when all this began…
So I am holding this little ball of glowing ambition, and watching it flicker and dance, and it doesn’t feel like the world will come crashing down if I don’t get anywhere – because the little spark will keep going and I will just start again. And I’m not as worried, as I was, about disappointment, or failure, or the overwhelmingness of want –
Because it has dissipated, unexpectedly, in the act of trying, and in the sheer excitement of finally joining in.