I can not miss my snack, because it will be impossible tomorrow – and then the next day – to eat it again.
And I can not throw up what I have eaten, because it has taken 2 years (nearly) for the swelling to go down and my teeth still wobble.
I can not have a cigarette, because it might hurt the graft they performed to try and repair the damage I had caused; and, I have removed the razors from the bathroom, because long sleeves in summer provokes too many questions.
I do not drink, because I am scared of the calories; and I don’t do drugs, because I’m afraid of death.
I don’t take medication, because I’m frightened of not being in control; and I can’t sleep, because my head won’t stop –
Which means that I just have to sit, for the moment, with the feelings; and ride out the discomfort –
because there’s no where left for me to hide.
Tags: relapse
Oh the curse of the unquiet mind! Something that I suffer with a lot. I think it is the downside of self awareness, but maybe an upside too?
Hmm there is definitely a doodle to be done with that!
Sorry to hear that you are finding things tough Melissa.Some might say that it is at times like this that the real, meaningful and significant self discoveries are made. Like you say, you have no where to hide and all you can do is sit with the feelings that perhaps lie at the core of the issues that led you to become ill. When we stop hiding, the real issues become apparent and this of course is terrifying, otherwise we wouldn’t resort to such extreme measures in the first place to hide from them would we? When we hide though we don’t even give ourselves a chance of overcoming problems because if we don’t even look at them how can they ever be resolved? I can really see that you are in a tortured position at the minute and I know that it is far from easy to keep going when your mind is in such turmoil. I simply hope and pray that you are able to hang in there, “ride out the discomfort” and hopefully learn something about yourself and these feelings that will further your ability to recover. You deserve nothing less than to be truly happy! You give SO much to others with what you do on this site Melissa. Every item you write articulates beautifully one of the seemingly endless facets of this illness. I have no doubt that your words help enable others to articulate their struggles as well and thus helps them reach out for the help they may need also. Don’t lose hope! xoxo
I feel like I understand some of this discomfort. Sitting alone with my mind can be difficult. I hope you can find some peace.
I am in my 40’s and have struggled with an eating disorder since my early teens. I have a daughter, 19, who is now (4months) in an inpatient facitlity for eating disorders. Because of what my daughter is going through – I am now begining to FEEL me and see my destructive ways and forced to look at myself. I don’t know how I stumbled on to this website – but thankful that I did. Good luck to you – keep strong and as I say to my daughter – never give up” (I know – black and white)