Since deciding that my eating disorder was about far more than body image (which I’ll stand by); and determining that the outside was a reflection of the struggles which were taking place within (yes, again), I seem to have cut off any consideration of my appearance and swung straight to the other extreme.
If I understand that my perception can get distorted; and I know that it’s all tied into how I feel about myself; and I have a whole bag full of CBT tricks to prove that no, I can’t possibly be fat with my BMI or yes, the reason I feel uncomfortable now is because I was used to being so unnaturally thin…
Well then, it’s all hunky-dory, really, isn’t it, and there’s clearly nothing to dwell on?
I think I might have slipped into a bit of self denial. Body image? Not a problem – I just don’t even venture into that headspace. Shape? Doesn’t really matter, cos I can still squeeze into most of my clothes.
Today, I noticed that a sweater which I’d bought a few weeks ago was a few sizes bigger than I thought it was. Okay, the style was baggy and I’d noticed that it was particularly loose – but my stomach tripped into somersaults and the internal acrobatics caught me off guard. I thought that I was beyond numbers mattering – but clearly the message is still stuck.
I have not been able to shrug off the experience.
I have pointed out, patiently, that it was meant to be a throw-on. Reminded myself that I have clearly separated out self – from size. Forced myself to consider the other 99.8% of my wardrobe….
It hasn’t helped and I’m now confused.
There has been a division, in my recovery, between my head’s thoughts about my body and those in my gut, and it’s been a bit too difficult to give the issue any real space.
I am not quite sure how to reconcile the distance between what I now understand about my eating disorder – and the fact that my preoccupation with my body still, to some extent, stands. I know that size is an issue for lots of men and women, and that there’s an emphasis, inherent in the culture, which is often difficult to move beyond. I understand that, in the need to recover, I worked really hard to overcome the fear and impermissibility of weight gain, and that the separation helped me to live –
I just can’t work out where I go from here, nor how to get some sort of balance in my head.