Since deciding that my eating disorder was about far more than body image (which I’ll stand by); and determining that the outside was a reflection of the struggles which were taking place within (yes, again), I seem to have cut off any consideration of my appearance and swung straight to the other extreme.
If I understand that my perception can get distorted; and I know that it’s all tied into how I feel about myself; and I have a whole bag full of CBT tricks to prove that no, I can’t possibly be fat with my BMI or yes, the reason I feel uncomfortable now is because I was used to being so unnaturally thin…
Well then, it’s all hunky-dory, really, isn’t it, and there’s clearly nothing to dwell on?
Hmmm.
I think I might have slipped into a bit of self denial. Body image? Not a problem – I just don’t even venture into that headspace. Shape? Doesn’t really matter, cos I can still squeeze into most of my clothes.
Today, I noticed that a sweater which I’d bought a few weeks ago was a few sizes bigger than I thought it was. Okay, the style was baggy and I’d noticed that it was particularly loose – but my stomach tripped into somersaults and the internal acrobatics caught me off guard. I thought that I was beyond numbers mattering – but clearly the message is still stuck.
I have not been able to shrug off the experience.
I have pointed out, patiently, that it was meant to be a throw-on. Reminded myself that I have clearly separated out self – from size. Forced myself to consider the other 99.8% of my wardrobe….
It hasn’t helped and I’m now confused.
There has been a division, in my recovery, between my head’s thoughts about my body and those in my gut, and it’s been a bit too difficult to give the issue any real space.
I am not quite sure how to reconcile the distance between what I now understand about my eating disorder – and the fact that my preoccupation with my body still, to some extent, stands. I know that size is an issue for lots of men and women, and that there’s an emphasis, inherent in the culture, which is often difficult to move beyond. I understand that, in the need to recover, I worked really hard to overcome the fear and impermissibility of weight gain, and that the separation helped me to live –
I just can’t work out where I go from here, nor how to get some sort of balance in my head.
Tags: Body Image, mind and body, self-acceptance, Weight
I know absolutely what this feels like. I still get instant thoughts that I sort of trip upon. I recognize right away but
and besides – we overanalyze a lot!! Maybe having a bit of patience and recognition for our success in recognition needs to be given more than the thought itself – if that makes sense 
hang in there!
am still shocked at times when they appear. I know for me personally I do not overanalyze the why’s. I know for years that instictual thoughts weren’t even considered or recognized. I didn’t acknowledge or think of. Now
I am able to catch the thought and instantly come back and self talk myself out of it. I know for me acknowledgement is
a huge progress and am going to have patience as instictual thoughts appear. I will have patience that these thoughts will be countered and hopefully new pathways will be created and new instinct thoughts made. I guess I may be concerned but I don’t give ‘weight’ (no pun intended!) to the thoughts. I won’t let them go unrecognized but I also will not over criticize the thoughts for appearing either. I will have patience with me, my own recovery and in time things change. That’s my hope
Hi Melissa,
If you can find or create a free and friendly place where you can listen to both your head and your gut; over time they can come to agreement – they can both look after you.
I know this probably sounds awfully glib.
Hi Kendra – that totally makes sense and is really really helpful. I am trying so hard to “understand” what I am thinking that I am tying myself in knots. I think that I’ll take a leaf from your book and go with patience, acceptance and a little less over-analysis and a lot less judgement – because recovery, as you say, does take time. Thank you. xx
I struggle with the same things, as I could have (and have) written something so similar to your first paragraph. It’s not about looks, it’s not about being thin, etc. but then why is weight restoration such a seemingly impossible challenge? Part of me just doesn’t want to admit that there is that sliver that feels motivated by a less-is-more mentality, that having body image be part of the issue makes me feel immature and like a teenager trying to impress the football player or something. That probably makes no sense, but I don’t want to fall into the stereotypical ED category of “she’s sick because she wants to look good.” It’s SO not that.
But yet there is the body image issue, and maybe it’s just more of the fact that ANY change to routine or what I’ve come to accept as normal is uncomfortable and stressful. Just as it’s hard to accept not exercising, adding in extra food, etc.–changes–it’s also hard to accept the physical changes that follow. With time, all things lose their power a little bit and acceptance sneaks in…I hope.
It’s great to hear from you Abby and you’ve hit the nub of what I was trying to say: it makes total sense. It feels irrational to get so incredibly upset about weight and shape when you know that the eating disorder’s all about how you feel about yourself on emotional level. I guess there’s no easy answer – it’s just part of the complexity and should be acknowledged without judgement so that it can be addressed? I don’t know – but I do think it’s right to be hopeful and that the change and power starts to lose it’s sway.
Take care. Melissa xx