A Backbone of Steel

I have a fractured tooth. It is a front one, which I’m finding quite hard. They have bonded it, for the moment, but it’s only a matter of time. The others are likely to go in the same direction.

It has been 23 months, almost to the day, since I last threw up; but the damage has been done. There is a little network of cracks spiderwebbing from my teeth to my ankle

But I do appear to have developed a backbone of steel.

I refuse to let this upset me.

I’m acknowledging my fear, and registering how upset the thought of a toothless grin makes me – but I refuse to let it deter me from my plans.

I have been quiet here, lately, because I’ve been trying to make some major changes in my life. This morning, as I lay in the dentist’s chair, I thought that I’d have to put everything on hold again. That the cracks would spread, one opening into another; and I’d have to go back to the drawing board in case it all went wrong –

No.

Not this time.

This time, my backbone of steel is holding me together. It’s aware of the imminent fractures and the possibility of breakages; but, damn it, through hell and high water, it will remain. I can not repair the damage, but I can stop it getting worse; and I can choose how deep the cracks run.

So I won’t be putting my life on hold this time. And, I will try not to wait for the tooth to rupture or the next crack to appear, which it will.

Instead, I’ll look be going forward with this new found strength and no regrets –

No. No more regrets.

- because I’ve discovered my backbone of steel.

Tags: , , ,

  • Share/Bookmark

3 Responses to “A Backbone of Steel”

  1. Silly Girl says:

    A very inspiring post. I found your blog by chance. Glad I did.

  2. girlundiscovered says:

    Hi Melissa,

    As I’ve followed your blog, I can see how far you really have come. You’re choosing life over the ED and you seem so much more confident and strong for it.

    I feel like I am lucky because when I was young, I had a lot of work done to straighten my teeth prior to being a teenager and I think this has been what’s prevented me from ever being able to go through with making myself sick.

    I’m having a bit of a wobbly moment, and struggling with food and life. I will remember to remind myself why I’m battling against it (because the relief from dieting/binging would only be temporary) and what can be achieved by keep trying, as you have shown.

    It is possible to come out of this stronger. Maybe I can remake myself from a bit of that there steel you’ve found!

    :-) x

  3. Melissa says:

    Thanks for these comments.

    It’s really great to have positive feedback – I know that changing and recovery is a positive, but I sometimes get the old “I’m nothing without it” echoes coming in, and your comments really help me to stamp on them.

    I think we do come out of challenges stronger and wiser – so hang on there: have no doubt you’ll find your own steel. xx