Because things are changing at the moment, and so I’m tired – and panicky – and a little bit afraid, I have lost sight of the bigger picture – and ended up just focusing on what’s going wrong. It’s okay to recognise when you’re struggling; but it’s important to also keep the not-so-bad bits in mind –
I have become so entangled with the negative, recently, that I have stopped appreciating the things that are good. Have been so busy making comparisons and coveting other people’s treasures – that my own have become neglected and dull.
This is the kind of thinking that keeps my dissatisfaction high and kept my eating disorder thriving…
So I am going to step around the fear of acknowledging that which is precious to me (and therefore might be lost); and move beyond the guilt that often accompanies the good things (because having comes with the question of what I deserve); and get over my resistance to “things could be worse” type commentary…
Because, really, Melissa, things could be far far worse.
Sometimes it’s better to take a step back and allow the bigger picture in…
1. I am here
This is a good start and something I should never take for granted. I get, sometimes, horribly scared by reminders of our mortality – but this only demonstrates how infinitely precious life actually is. I know its hard, and confusing, and an endless search to unanswerable questions – but, ultimately, it’s a gift on a daily basis, which is something I will never let myself forget.
2. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in
Okay, I might not be sleeping well in my bed at the moment, and I get that possessions don’t ensure happiness – but really, life would be quite different if I didn’t have somewhere to come back to at the end of the day. Because I’ve become accustomed to a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in, I sometimes forget that they’re actually things to be grateful for – or I stop noticing how good it feels to come home.
3. I have a job
This one’s like number 2: I’d deeply miss it if it wasn’t there. Okay, so I might not be in my dream job just yet – nor even know what the dream job looks like – but I am fortunate to be working (when it’s tough out there), and it’s good that I’m still learning (though I’m not sure where it’ll feature in the end), and there’s a certain amount of satisfaction in going to work in the morning and getting a job well done.
4. 20:19 ½ vision
I have screwed up most of my internal organs and a fair amount of the outer stuff too – but, as a recent eye test confirmed, my eyesight’s pretty impressive, so I’m grateful for my fabulous eyes and all the beautiful stuff that they let me see!
5. People
I get lonely often and, because the loneliness is so intense, I pay it far more attention than I do the times when I don’t feel so alone. There are plenty of these too. Afternoons with friends; phone calls; a lovely online community; nights out; some pretty amazing people – and the fleeting connections that manage, miraculously, to totally transform a day.
6. Music, Literature and the things that make me buzz
I love books. Love them. They’re a passport out – and in. A bottomless source of inspiration – and empathy – and insight – and learning – and sounds –
Music is the same, though I’m slightly more passive. It makes me smile – and cry – and dance – and, occasionally, attempt to sing -
My life would be far far emptier if these things didn’t factor in.
7. A brain
I’d definitely notice if this one was missing.
My brain might have been a bit slow on the uptake, recently, but the capacity – and potential – of the human mind, never ceases to amaze me – even when the connections are completely off key.
Emily Dickinson wrote….
“ The Brain – is wider than the Sky –
For – put them side by side –
The one the other will contain
With ease – and You – beside
The Brain is deeper than the sea –
For – hold them – Blue to Blue –
The one the other will absort –
A Sponges – Buckets – do – ”
…which says it far better than I ever can.
The realisation that I’d never be able to think freely under my eating disorder, and a desperation to ensure that any potential did not go to waste, were key motivations in my recovery – and I’d like to remember this every single day.
What are the things that you can return to – when life’s feeling difficult – to remind yourself that it’s sometimes pretty okay?
Tags: gratitude, mindfulness, Positivity, self discovery
When I find myself comparing myself less favourably to others (as I was doing yesterday when a tall, blonde, thin, beautiful creature got on the bus), I am trying to think of what I have or possess that’s worth more than what I perceive someone else to have.
- I have my boyfriend. He is the best person in my life and is the best gift I could ever hope to hold.
- I have all this life experience. I’ve been my mother’s mother; I’ve run away from home; I’ve done things of teenage fiction madness; I’ve been a hairdresser; I’ve been in love; I’ve had my heart broken; I’ve run wild and free; I’ve been to university twice; I’ve a BA (Hons) and an MA; I’ve had deating disorders; I’m battling eating disorders and learning who I am.
- I’ve more insight into who I am and what’s best for me than many people a lot older. My boyfriend’s ex was poorly throughout her twenties and thirties with mental health issues, and is still in them to some extent. I’ve realised what I need to do now and I’m on it. I’ve learnt to let go of my mother issues now, rather than carry them till I’m old and they’ve eaten me up.
- I know that life’s about far more than money or grades. It’s about love and making your own happiness.
Good for you my dear. Inspirational, thanks
It is so easy to take so many things in life for granted. Thank you for posting this; it’s helped to put things in perspective when sometimes I feel my life is so dark.
Great post Melissa. I was amazed when I went I was in a group discussion about needs and aspects of life and I instantly assumed the worst and said – wrongly, it turns out – that I have no stability, no security and so on. You take a moment though and look at things without that negative, fearful filter and you realise: actually, I am alive, I am in a lucky situation, I’m reasonably healthy, I do have support and freedom and an imagination and so on.
‘Look on the Bright Side!’ may sounds cheesy or impossible sometimes but there’s always something positive to be found or reached to (or at least, I’ll continue to believe so). Even if it is something like “well, I’ve still got my brain” or “hmph, I’m going to curl up and escape into a book”.
Things could be worse indeed so try and look on the upside, indeed (said sincerely and not with a big cheesy grin).
I forgot to add one more thing which struck me a few days ago. I met a young woman in her 20s who was wearing leg braces. She has a passion for riding horses, but will soon have to stop owing to a medical condition (not sure which one precisely, but it’s the one of those neurodegenerative ones) and is likely to be in a wheelchair by the age of 40. I felt so lucky to not to have such a genetic disease. It made me realise that recovery is a choice I need to make because anorexia means that I need to value my body and appreciate it for what it CAN do. To be able to walk is a blessing for all of us who can, and so it the healthy that we do have (even after EDs can sometimes erode it).
Great post! It is great to stop and take a look at the positives sometimes. I am always working on being more grateful for what I have. It isn’t easy. Inspiring post! Thanks
Thanks for commenting and I’m so sorry it’s taken me a while to reply…
Girlundiscovered – thanks for sharing these and also reminding me that awareness is hugely valuable and means that, even if the material things stay the same, perspective can result in a change.
Splinteredones –
I think you remind me to keep things in a more balanced perspective!
Kushika – This is sooo important. It’s easy to get fixated on the body-image bits; but, really, our bodies are miraculous and even walking is a gift, as I should remember!
James – Had to battle my internal resistance to cheesiness or optimism – only to realise that, actually, a bit of optimism goes a very long way!!
Half Shattered – I agree though I can’t pinpoint why it’s so hard! Definitely an ongoing process and worth re-visiting regularly…maybe it gets easier over time?!