I have not had much success in my body befriending mission and I therefore decided, a few weeks ago, that it was time for a change in approach. If the visuals are still too much to handle and mirrors remain a little tough, exploring my body, from a new perspective, might possibly start to help.
So I decided to try something totally off the wall.
Today, I had my first proper massage. I left it too late to cancel and spent the first fifteen minutes feeling self conscious, and stupid, and full of self disgust –
And then, just when I’d determined that once was enough and I wouldn’t be repeating the mistake, the masseur tugged me, just below my left rib, and as I tried, desperately, not to giggle, some of the discomfort and fear was instantly revoked. I had forgotten that I am really ticklish.
Body image is a serious subject – but my approach has been far too solemn.
It got me thinking – when my left foot provoked the same reaction – about the interface between ourselves and the world. How our skin, quite miraculously, responds to the outside environment; and how a simple thing – like a tickle or a soft touch – can shift the emphasis, and make my body slightly easier to be in. It can even, dare I say it, make me laugh –
Which is kind of cool.
So I have decided to keep an eye out for these unique moments and make it my mission to identify times when my body can make me smile (like when my feet go off without me if I’m walking quickly down a hill or that funny Pilates move where you roll, like a kid, on your back).
And, I am going to notice the occasions when the outer can positively change the inner (like the first stroke from the side if I’m swimming underwater or the sensation of cool sheets on hot skin), and my body stops being such a barrier between me and the world.
Because it can, as I have been reminded, in even the most awkward of moments, provoke a range of emotions -
Including laughter, and a smile.
What realisations or experiences have helped you to make friends with your body or view it from a new perspective?
Tags: Body Image, mind and body
It’s very interesting that you posted this — I’ve never personally considered going for a massage myself in order to embrace my body a whole lot more. In fact, I think for me just treating my body seems so surreal, as if I don’t deserve it. I remember today, when in the supermarket, I wanted to buy a different flavour of yoghurt, but which was more expensive and my mum (who pays the food bill) said, “treat yourself”, and I simply cowered in fear of that thought; denial seems all that more comfortable for me.
I digress. One step I have tried to take is to buy a special body lotion from the Body Shop, and rub it on my skin when I feel like hurting my body. And to live in the moment, and to care for my body and that piece of skin that I would normally hate every so much. I find it quite difficult, and so sparingly, but I definitely need to push myself to do so more often.
It was a big first and part of challenging that horrible “you don’t deserve it” voice. I’m not sure it would have been helpful (or even possible) until now, but I want to see if I can lead by example!! There is, of course, a thin line as it’s hard when you’re very body conscious-but I think I have faced a few fears and let myself start to see my body in a kinder light. I started with body cream too and that was a big step- but one that slowly allowEd me to respect and comfort my body. It makes me so angry to see just how many levels an eating disorder can punish on…I hope that it gets easier for you too. xx
Thank you for your reply, melissa.
I really appreciate your thoughtful posts on here; they really do give me something to think about and also show me hope too. You seem to have picked apart the ED and what is behind it in so many ways, and I hope this will give me the courage to question my ED and it’s part in my life on a deeper level too, as a means of truly recovering.
Take care. xx
One of the things I’m very uncomfortable with is the idea of a massage, or any beauty treatment, really. When I was training to be a hairdresser, I remember seeing beauticians having to touch all these people’s bodies in all shapes and sizes and it scared me too much to train in this myself. I think my horror and revulsion at those people who weren’t model thin indulging their bodies and wanting other people to touch them really shows how uncomfortable I am in my skin.
Clearly, these people just liked to relax and let their bodies relax in a healthy manner. It is me that has an unhealthy attitude in this way. I wish I felt brave enough and could let myself go enough to try it. At the moment, the thought of hands other than my bf’s on my skin makes me feel strange, and the fears of what the beauticians might think or say scares me far, far away. All this despite the fact I know that they don’t care – they just get on with their jobs.
My boyfriend is trying to encourage me to be more gentle with myself, so not rubbing so hard at my eyes, putting lotion on etc. I do find it difficult as I often think ‘what’s the point?’, but then who says there has to be any point other than because it feels nice?
I think a lot of people struggle with this and there is, inevitably, a whole lot of deserving and judgement issues raised. Bizarrely, I found it easier to manage these with a stranger and in a really controlled setting – but it’s different approaches for different people! I think there’s something in there about being gentle with ourselves and not needing to justify the kindness…but it’s a difficult place to get to.