Since starting Finding Melissa and beginning, finally, to join in, I have discovered a capacity that I never thought that I had. It is warm, and gooey, and the fuzzy-haired end of soft; and I think it is called compassion. It is like an unexpected ray of sunshine and the first kiss of warm air after you’ve been shivering, without an umbrella, in the rain.
I had always considered myself to be a rather brittle and cold person.
I am not, by nature, particularly tolerant and tend to lose patience pretty damn quick. I can rarely be bothered with explaining; am only just learning to listen; and, had become accustomed to life as them – and me. Compassion is not a quality I have associated myself with, nor something I thought I’d ever get –
It turns out I might have been wrong.
A little part of me has been ignited, like kindling, and I find myself, almost instinctively, wanting to reach out and say – “yes, I get what you’re feeling, and I want to help you feel better” – or – “no, I don’t understand what you’ve been through, but I’d really like to listen to what you have to say.”
Who’d have thought?
I am curious to find the source of this phenomenon, so that I can bottle it up in case I run short again.
There is something in there, I think, about leading by example. Now that I am slightly less condemning and critical of my own imperfections, the tolerance is diffusing and it is easier, under these conditions, to be kinder to someone else.
Or the odds are improved, maybe, now that I’ve taken some of the barriers down. There’s an opportunity for compassion; and a greater chance of connectivity; and an open invitation to share experiences and insights, because I’m not struggling so desperately to hide who I am.
Perhaps it’s just easier to empathise with others when you start to understand yourself a bit. That after exposing – and then exploring – my own mental mechanics, thoughts and feelings are easier to recognise in someone else and, as the bars come down, I am increasingly wiling to help.
Or it could be the other way round entirely.
The kindness and understanding that I have been shown, and the acceptance which I didn’t think I deserved, have transferred, like gold dust, and magically swept me away. Or, the reaction to the held-out-hands has been instinctive; and, as I cling tightly on, the connection has been a daily reminder that, no, Melissa, you are not really alone.
Probably it’s a taking – giving – reaching – receiving – listening – sharing combination of the two.
I have been taught by experience and example. By my own story and by others’ too. By listening – as much as talking. And by realising that we are often, despite the surface differences, very much the same.
So, I still snap when I’m interrupted; and my patience, whilst definitely improving, continues to be rather slight – but I understand their impact, and I am trying to take responsibility and slowly change.
And, I am still quite harsh in my self judgement and tend to lean towards punishment or a sharp-tongued attack; but it is easier, with this recognition, to see the process in others, so that we can start, together, to make better sense.
Most notably, I feel a lot warmer, and more open, and far better equipped to encourage and love and give – because compassion helped me to recover; and I am able, now that I’m moving a little, to reach out to others too.
Related Stuff…Mis-Understandings; The Little Things; A Listening Ear; Love; and Stories, Secrets and Stigma
Tags: empathy, love, people power, re-connecting, self discovery
Warm and gooey is good.
It’s probably true that being cared for – or at least, allowing people to care for you because you aren’t very good at caring for yourself – can end up nudging you towards more caring and compassionate behaviour.
From my own experience, I’d say it’s probably more likely to be this: anorexia is so self-involved and self-obsessed that you can’t even get to consider anyone else because you’re too busy despising yourself. You shut yourself away and retreat inward and if you’re not reaching out to people then you can’t really empathise with them very well.
When you’re not in such a negative place and are engaging with people you feel like a member of the human race and you do get to experience others feelings than purely your own private hate trip. By getting out of yourself – and possibly helping others in the process – you feel better which consequently generates more and more positivity and helps recovery.
You start to realise that you do have things to offer by communicating with people and opening up. If you shut yourself in you just end up more judgemental on yourself and others, more alienated, lonely and then everything just sinks even lower. Plus, when you’re not gripped by fear and anxiety and are actually enjoying life, all those positive feelings of love and compassion and the social enthusiasm comes all the more naturally.
What a lovely post this is. Enjoy those emerging feelings – they will open up a whole new world of relationships and possibilities for you.
Hi James – Thanks for sharing and I agree with the opportunities and preoccupation theme. I think the shift I have noticed was partly about connecting; but also, for me, about changing – I wasn’t great at compassion before I was ill, but the learning that I gained through exploring myself has meant that I am not so dismissive of others and can empathise better. This isn’t about being someone else – just about using the learning more productively, if that makes sense! It’s also been, for me, about finding that compassion and care can be warming and empowering, rather than smothering or being ‘looked after’.
..so Julie, I think (and hope!) that you’re right!
xx
I thought (think?) I come across as cold, sarcastic, mean, selfish and thoughtless sometimes. I thought I was a ‘dark’ person and was quite happy in that. Works for Jack Dee, right?
I was, however, told at work I am warm, empathetic and friendly and that this was why colleagues thought it okay to hug me or mess with my hair (both of which horrified me and gave me shudders) and clients to stay and show me their wedding photos.
My boyfriend says it’s my front. The face I want to show the world, despite it coming across completely differently, and that I ought to give it up. I’m not quite there yet – I still laugh when someone says anything nice about me or when I’m not ready to handle the seriousness of a particular conversation; I’d rather be seen by some people as the giggly girl than the intellectual person with the Masters and I’d rather pretend I don’t want a family/home/marriage than say I do and be let down.
I guess it’s about pulling down the guards, and I’m slowly working on it. It’s also about learning that you’re a different person than you thought – and in a good way, despite how ‘new’ this person feels. And it’s okay to be scared.
Melissa – I like this post. I think that by listening to others, we in turn help ourselves. Recently one of my biggerst supporters at the beginning of all of this said, ‘ I’m still here, but I can’t be what you need me to be.’ This tore me apart. I am deeply indebted to her, but I really feel like she doesn’t want me anymore. Why then, do I run from people that really and truly show compassion and the want to help – because I’m sooo afraid of abandonment. I get scared and therefore run away and ide from those that really do want to help. I don’t think that this friend meant to hurt me, I think she really thinks she is doing what’s best – referring me to professionals to help that are a lot more educated. That’s why I have put up the barriers, because I have felt this ‘emptiness’ before and frankly, it just hurts.
Afterglow – I think compassion does hurt in some ways or I can certainly relate to that. It is hard to let the guard down and then feel rejected; and it is equally hard to sense other people’s pain. I suppose that there are two sides to every experience – and I am only just beginning to enjoy the warmth and connection bit, and to manage the pain or hurt that can sometimes come instead. I guess it’s small steps and little bridges – and reaching the awareness (both of self and others) that compassion seems to bring.
GirlAnon – Your comment has really made me think about self-compassion, and I guess that this is where it starts for me. If we can be kinder and more accepting of who we are, it might be easier to do the same of others…or that’s what I’m hoping!