From Talking to Walking…

Things feel a hundred times better now that I have finally started moving. The anticipation is always far worse than the action – and yet each time, I seem to forget.

Change often happens this way for me. The fear paralyses. Then comes the frustration. And, finally, the elastic-band-snap of emancipation and whoosh, I’m free

Come what will.

I went through the same process in my recovery. The same wheel-spinning-yet-not-going-anywhere, until it felt like a miracle that I didn’t implode. All talk, I seemed – and no action. All words – and nothing behind them but fear.

Only I am recognising this, now, as part of my journey. One cog in the creaking – spinning – stopping – starting process of change. Like revving up the engine; or stretching to a breakpoint; or feeling the pressure, bubbling, until, eventually, there is no other option but

Jump.

You do, I am being to realise, find your wings.

I think this is called the contemplation phase of change. I’m sure there’s a better way of getting though it than waiting for the metaphorical shove –

(I’ll keep you posted.)

But, I wanted to write this at the tipping point because –

Sometimes, when you’re stuck in the wheelspin or can’t see beyond the frustration, it’s hard to have faith that things will be okay. And, sometimes, when you’ve been talk talk talking away – and yet never quite seem to walk the walk – then it can feel like you’re all air (and no substance) and all words (though the promise was action); when, in reality, change is really hard.

Really hard –

And so, when the doubt begins to elbow it’s way back in (you’ve made the wrong decision); or the critical voice starts smirking away in the background (told you, Melissa, that you’d fail); or the landscape gets a little scary and unfamiliar, I’ll be returning to this post to remind myself that I feel a hundred times better – now that I’ve started moving – and, whatever the outcome or the route to the destination –

It’s far preferable to the paralysing fear of change.

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