I have been intellectualising and analysing my eating disorder a lot recently. Scrutinising it under my mental magnifying lens. Looking at it from this angle – and that one. Trying to order the complexity into some semblance of sense.
I have wanted to unpick each sordid secret and expose every unspoken rule. To break down the perceptions. To write myself into recovery. To say the things I shouldn’t say because maybe, together, we can help to make things change…
It is important, I think, to talk about these things.
But it is even more important to remember that eating disorders kill.
It is even more important to remember that eating disorders kill.
I am worried that I have diluted this message. That in the to-ing and fro-ing, I have blurred over this one, crucial point. That in the detail, and the dissection, I have forgotten to re-iterate the terrifying bottom line –
Eating disorders kill.
So, this is a reality check and a reminder. An acknowledgement of the cruel truth about eating disorders – but also, that recovery is possible and that there are people out there who can help.
There are people out there that can help.
It is a message that makes my eyes watery and my stomach, clench –
But it comes, along with the experience and hope of recovery, as the most important thing that I can write.
Tags: Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia, living with it, recovery
So true, and that is the bottom line. They kill full stop – life, love, mind, body, potential, hope, happiness and so on. They kill and it hurts thinking about it but we must remember it.
Great post and thanks for the crucial reminder. Eating disorders are death.
And the most important thing we can read.
Thank you.
As the author of Cardboard: A woman left for dead I would like to thank Melissa for bravely telling the truth. Eating disorders do kill. I would also hope too that alongside this sobering and critical message there is equally a strong message that recovery is possible.
Actually, I’m going to make a controversial comment here, because for me, and for contemporary culture as I see it, it’s more problematic than that. Yes, I’ve been there too, and eating disorders do kill; or rather, eating disorders *can* kill. It’s the fact that so horrifyingly many people retain their symptomatology as an ongoing coping mechanism that never quite gets that far, simply eating (heh) their lives and themselves, far more frightening, actually.
But then I’ve never really got why dying is scary. I’ve almost done it several times now, and those bits were probably more plesant than those at either side.
I hope that wasn’t offensive. But if the choices were so simple – death or life, eat or die – it wouldn’t be so hard.
Hi Sasha –
Not offensive at all, although I didn’t mean to infer that it was a simple choice. For me, there was an element of realisation and a few shock moments that pushed me towards recovery – but the process is ongoing, confused, and far more, as you point out, then a simple choice of live or die.
I have to acknowledge that I did, however, eventually recognise that I would die if I didn’t change; and seeing this reality did give me the incentive to move on. It wasn’t a simple choice – just a fact that I wouldn’t last if I didn’t change, and I didn’t want to die.
I digress -
I think the point you make is crucial and “horrifying” is certainly the right word. For the many years that I wasn’t quite at the brink but was certainly not living, my quality of life was negligible and each day, hell -
This post was inspired by a tragic story of a recent eating-disorder caused death. The story co-incided with a struggle that I was having around identity and illness and why I still clung on to the eating disorder. I suppose I wanted to remind myself of how dangerous eating disorders are; and, whether the consequence is death or living hell, I guess both messages reinforce the devastating nature of eating disorders and provide some momentum towards learning about and challenging them, and continuing to try and get well.
Thanks for sharing this and making such an important point. xx
Fiona – Thanks for commenting and re-iterating such an important message. There is hope and recovery is possible: however impossible it can sometimes seem. If you’d ask me or my family where I’d be a few years ago, the answer certainly wouldn’t match where I now am!
James and Abbey. Thank you. It is important to remember. xx
I can definitely relate to your post. I know so many people who struggle everyday from an eating disorder. This is a serious issue that affects adolescents just like it does adults. I’ve found Silver Hill’s psychiatric hospital to be a really good source of information about treatment options.