After a talk that I did in January, one of the attending psychiatrists asked me whether I was worried about relapse. I answered, without hesitation, that “no, I wouldn’t be going back there again, because my body won’t take anymore” –
There have been a few too many close calls in the past few years.
My recovery may have been a series of fits and starts; but, ultimately, I’m a bit of an all or nothing person; and, despite my behaviour, I certainly don’t want to die –
I am shocked by the ease with which the net can constrict again.
I am stunned by how, despite my insight, and even after stripping away the eating disorder’s dishonesty and exposing its illusions, it can still try and steal me back.
For the past year, I have been making myself white coffees. It has only taken a few cruel words to undermine the new regime, and now I’m back to drinking it black.
A few months ago, eating out had become quite comfortable. Now I am starting to get a bit panicky, and dinner in public places come tinged with dread –
Even though I know that the company is preferable to the isolation; and health, far more favourable than stepping too close to the other end.
This is how the eating disorder grabs you, however prepared you think you are. A soft whispering that one omission will be okay and then, suddenly, the clamps are on again. This is how it wriggles its way back and re-inserts it’s claws. A few subtly planted thoughts and, bang, you’re fighting all over again.
And the shutters are down.
It would prefer that I didn’t write about this (as I am meant to inspire hope). It would rather that I pretended that everything was fine (because, after all, I’m still eating three meals a day – mostly – and doing passably well). It suggests that there isn’t anything to worry about and I’m ‘playing for attention’ –
But I recognise the signs and this imposed silence is the ultimate alarm bell.
So, because I am a little shocked by the ease with which it has re-instated some old and unforgiving rules -
And, as I hadn’t expected myself to give up the driving seat, quite so readily –
I am going to start by taking my voice back and reminding myself of what I’m fighting…
Because, I hope that defying the order of silence – and talking my way through this unexpected struggle – will be the best way I have of keeping myself well.
Tags: Living With an Eating Disorder, maintaining, recovery, relapse
Stop it in its tracks now. I saw the warning signs of relapse (along with new and disturbing trends that luckily my therapist recognized as very dangerous, even if I didn’t) and ignored them, thinking I could just handle it. When I fell, I fell so hard I still feel bruised and somedays unable to pick myself back up. Do whatever it takes.
It can come back and grab you, but you’re aware and have heard your ‘alarm bells’.
You can fight it – you know you can and that you can reverse the movement of the constricting net. Don’t suffer in silence – keep on talking and reaching out and you’re working against relapse. Honesty and optimism that you know you don’t want to go back to the darker places as life is so much better when you’re free from the eating disorder.
Take care Melissa and stay strong. People are here for you and wishing you all the best so don’t listen to that voice. Best wishes and a supportive smile
Keep talking to everyone that will listen. Find another passion to think about, to do and to talk about. There are many, many manic people around, should I say that most people are manic, but they have some sort of passion that drives them on. Keep writing the blog, but find a passion to follow and try to push that passion out to the twitter followers that you have..
It starts by skipping a snack and justifying just waiting for you next meal, telling yourself you’ll make the meal bigger. Then the meal comes and there’s a reason not to add in something extra. You tell yourself an extra walk is normal–it’s just a walk, for goodness sake–but deep down you know it’s a step back.
It’s so true that those thoughts and behaviors slip back in and we either choose not to see them or rationalize their skewed logic. Or…we can talk about them, expose them for what they are, and trust that we can’t always trust the things we think. Good for you, and crap on feeling like you always have to be spewing inspirational unicorns and flowers. This post is inspiring in it’s own right, as secrets keep you sick.
You’re not alone, my friend!
There is so much here to help me so thank you for these comments. I guess I am struck by the importance of not underestimating the eating disorder – and, equally, of the need to make sure that I have other things in place to focus me going forwards, rather than backwards.
I’m going to keep talking, as losing my voice would make me more vulnerable; and I’m also going to keep an eye on the other things that I want to do – and need to be well in order to do – because I think both these will make it harder for the eating disorder to elbow itself in again.
Thank you for all your support. xx
I think you post has highlighted to be that our history of illness makes the illness so easy to creep up on us when we’re least expecting it, but I love the fact that you are vigilant and aware for that probably one of the best things one can do to prevent sliding back.
Oh lord,
you have no idea how much this post hits home a few truths, i had been doing so well with the fact that i was eating more and gaining a little weight and feeling alright about it, but suddenly, the net as you have said, has constricted. I’m quieter, dont like eating in public and as my mum has noticed, lying about food again…. I dont know how to stop it really… any suggestions?
I guess the first step is recognising it and admitting to it – when it stays a secret, it has so much more power.
I’ve been reminding myself of the things that I want to acheive, and encouraging myself to get angry at the eating disorder rather than myself: I KNOW that it is not the answer, and I have lots of proof that it hurts, rather than helps.
I have also been reminding myself of how lonely it made me feel, and using this as motivation to keep going out and staying engaged.
I don’t know if this helps – but I think it’s worth fighting – and I really hope you win too.