You know the alarm that kicks in when you’re about to do something stupid? The little sensor that is tripped when you step into a danger zone and are about to do something you’ll probably regret.
Mine is defunct.
The self destruct button is jammed down, by default, and I seem to have been programmed in reverse. Instead of stopping before I step over the line, I ramp up the speed on the descent and it takes someone else to step in and say
The eating disorder is the obvious example; but doesn’t appear to have re-set the switch. I am daring to see how far I can push things – like work, and relationships, and life – and I don’t quite sense the danger until someone else comes along and says, “what the hell are you doing?”
To which I reply, unexpectedly, “waiting for you to see how terrible I am” -
Because you’ll reach the same conclusion at some point.
This is not a great formula for successful living. There’s a touch of self fulfilling prophecy, a big dose of sabotage, and no way of knowing when I’m entering red – because that’s been the agenda, all along, hasn’t it?
So, whilst the manifestation’s a little more subtle now that I’ve taken the eating disorder as far as it could go (because it’s not about annihilation; it’s the punishing bit between); there’s a pattern emerging, and it looks like I’m going out of my way to make sure that happiness doesn’t win –
Which means that I step over the line, without really noticing what I’m doing; and, like some warped game of dare, I push – and pull – at life, and challenge anyone who gets caught in between: If I go far enough, will you stop trying to save me; and, if I ruthlessly push you away, will you start seeing the Melissa that I see?
Which means I keep snapping connections (because they’ll only start to hurt); and resist caring (because it comes back to the same person in the end); and maintain the need to apologise for my existence (because success would infer deserving); and I rarely pause to consider the consequences of any action –
Because, the alarm that is meant to kick in when you endanger yourself is now faulty; and, the sensors that are meant to warn me when I’ve gone into the red were suspended, some time ago, when I decided that I wasn’t worth being saved.
Which means that, unless I do a little re-programming, I am pretty likely to self destruct or sabotage any happiness –
Because I’ve already decided on the end.