There was something going around twitter last week about rejection.

I can’t get it out of my mind.

It has struck a sensitive chord that I am almost too scared to write about; and, because the chord is exposed, a wall’s gone up and now I can’t see what’s going on behind.

According to this article, rejection is like a physical pain. Whether you care about who’s rejecting you or they’re hidden behind a computer screen, the hurt is the same –

A twisting in the gut and a bowing of the shoulders and a sinking of the head and the unbearable feeling of shame. Or that’s the imprint that remains for me.

A few weeks ago, I had my own little example.

In our office, birthday cards are part of the team spirit. Regardless of whether you’re best buddies or just sit in the same room, a card on your birthday and one when you leave are a given.

This year, my birthday was on a Saturday; and, on Friday night, I went home with a few personal cards – but no passed around best wishes. Despite the fact that I’m not particularly close to my work colleagues, the hurt was palpable and I spent much of the weekend trying to work out what I had done wrong.

When I returned to the office a few days later, the cards were waiting for me with a completely rational explanation; but, in those few days, I realised just how much I cared what other people thought of me. And just how much rejection ached.

It is difficult to write this, in case other people assume the same.

Rejection feels contagious: one snubbed nose, and it soon spreads.

The act is as physical as the response. Or so I have come to believe.

Ironically, I have little to back up this supposition. The instances are mild and I’ve always muddled along, possibly because my eating disorder was both defence (I don’t need them) and excuse (the problem’s with the eating disorder, and not with me) –

Only there’s a lingering sense of being outside, rather than “in”, and the sharp horror of discovering that I’d been left out…

It is hard to admit to these things, despite the fact that my response appears to be quite normal –

Because, it hit me, when I was reading this article, that rejection is part of the human experience, and not just a personal indictment of me. And it seemed, in the light of the science, that there was very little that I could do to change the response, rather than take a deep breath and remember that I am not everyone’s cup of tea –

So, in the absence of a solution, and because my reaction was as you would expect, I have decided that awareness is a good starting point; and that, as rejection is an ongoing and not uncommon possibility, I can only work with me.

Which means that I will acknowledge the feeling (rather than hide it behind food), and remind myself that I’m only human (rather than pretending that I don’t really care), and appreciate that I might not always be part of things (because everybody’s different) -

But I don’t need to compound the rejection by holding on to the pain –

or assuming that everything’s wrong with me.

Tags: Isolation, rejection, Self Esteem, the human head

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 7th, 2010 at 10:43 am and is filed under Difficult Feelings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.